Christmas shopping...

Hannah has a younger brother Ben who is 12 and two older Brothers, Ryan 20 and Lee 18.  I have been trying to buy Christmas Presents for them for the past 2 weeks but I just can't do it.   I can't see anything that I think they would like and my enthusiasm is not there.

I have been to the Trafford Centre, Manchester, John Lewis, Superdry, Bank, Debenhams, Selfridges, Hollister, Crew, Fat Face, Joules, Sports Direct, Comet.  I've been bloody everywhere and bought absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  Actually I am lying.  I have bought three footballs and two pairs of gloves but that's not exactly a great Christmas is it? 

My heart just isn't in it at all.  I am trying my best, we even went to Manchester, to the Christmas Markets and wore Christmas Jumpers to fool our friends and family into thinking we were more okay than we were, whilst looking on all the stalls for things that Hannah would have liked!

We are actually escaping to Keswick this Christmas on our own, without the boys.  Ben is going to his Dad's and the older boys are going to Phil's sisters.  I couldn't even book that.  It is like I cannot acknowledge  anything in the future because I can't bare to think of it without Hannah in it.  This leaves poor Phil taking over a whole heap of responsibility for our future because I was the planner.  I planned our holidays, days out, Birthdays, Christmas and I now find that I can't.

Happy Days at Southern Down Beach

Perfect Day..,

This was the title of the song that was number one the day Hannah was born. It was the Children in need single rather than the Lou Reed version but I listen to the Lou Reed version more often.

I love this song because it was a perfect day when she was born. A short 7 hour labour followed by an easy delivery and she was here, all 6 pound 61/2 of her. She was born at 9.50pm also known as cowboy time according to proud Granddad John (10 to 10).

The song mentions drinking Sangria in the park. Obviously Hannah didn't drink Sangria on the park but she did try it in a Chinese restaurant in Spain. She also served us our Sangria on the beach when we went to watch a fabulous Fiesta where the kids received Melons, flowers and all types of fruit from the various floats that rode past.

Feed animals in the Zoo. We fed giraffes and camels and Han nearly jumped out of her skin when the giraffe bent over to sniff her! They then swam with Sea Lions who gave big smackers kisses out that virtually pushed Hannah across the swimming pool!

A movie too. We loved the cinema, one of my most vivid memories was of being stood with a young Han waiting for Ben and Phil to buy the tickets. Ben flew from nowhere and rugby tackled Hannah to the floor in the foyer! He took us by such surprise that I burst out laughing and Han sat there looking slightly annoyed waiting for the moment she could get her little brother back!

And then home. Home sweet home, once full of fun and laughter. Of board games and baking. Of reading and dancing. Of Nintendo Wii and mini arguments and bickering. Full of the smell of perfume and body spray. Waiting for ages for the bathroom! Hunting down my hair straighteners and hair dryer. The sound of the piano and the piano pedal banging on the floor.

Those were perfect days, and I am glad I spent them with Hannah and I often sing this song loudly (maybe slightly out of tune) in my car, at the top of my voice, crying.

Now it feels like silence and it surrounds me....and I hate.

Getting on with things...

I've not written for a while because I haven't felt the need to really.  I have found that my interest in things changes all the time.  I find something that I think helps and launch myself into it full pelt only to find that it only helps for a little while then I need to think of something else.  For instance I have taken up sewing and have been making cushions, hats, bunting etc.  I like doing it but I keep hitting that bloody brick wall of just what is the frigging point?  It used to take me three days to read a book, now it takes me three weeks?

I think I must be hitting the depression part of my grief (I need to look into this more because I am remembering a bit about a book I read months ago).  I am struggling to get up and get my arse to work some days which is unusual because I have found work and keeping busy helpful.  Loud noises really irritate me and frustrate me, things like the dog barking or Phil shouting (not at me, normally at an inanimate ibject that is not performing its task properly).

To be fair we have just muddled out way through Hannah's 15th Birthday.  We met up with family and friends and planted daffodils in our local park which was nice (I pinched the idea from Linda, gorgeous Gregor's Mum).  I am glad we did it rather than stayed at home.  Later on when it got dark we let off Chinese lanterns (environmentally friendly bamboo ones), 15 of them.  It was a sad day but it was okay.  I have struggled with the aftermath though.  I have been exhausted this week and very short tempered but I am still here which is good.

I have decided to put a Christmas Tree up this coming weekend which will be tough but it has to be done for Ben and for me.  Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year. I want it to be Ben's too so it has to be done!

The photo below was taken over New Year in 2010.  We were on a ferry from St Mawes to Falmouth and were acting out Jack & Rose on the Titanic.  I look back and miss her so much that I cannot contemplate looking forwards.....

I miss you with every breath I take my little chicken xxxxx

Hannah Thomas-Jones and me on a Ferry St Mawes to Falmouth, New Year 2010

Hannah's Birthday Plans.....

I popped into our Village on Saturday and noticed that they are planting the Jubilee wood on Sunday 2nd December which coincides with Hannah's 15th Birthday.  My original Birthday survival plan was to avoid the whole world and stay in bed all day but seeing this advert for volunteers has made me realise that it would actually be really nice to get family and friends together as a team to help plant the Jubilee wood.

After the planting I thought we could go back to our local pub The Freemasons Arms in Handforth and arrange for a Hotpot of some kind or even some sausage sandwiches (Hannah's fave) and a few drinks, then set off some Chinese Lanterns when it gets dark.

In the middle of these thoughts I suddenly thought, What the hell am I doing?  How can it possibly nearly be Hannah's Birthday and how can I do this without her?  Last year she asked me for an Iphone 4 and I told her it was too expensive for a Birthday present, I told her to ask for money or vouchers and I would put towards it.  I'll never ever forget her face when she opened her present and it was the Iphone4, we thought she was going to burst with joy!

I set her Iphone up on my Itunes which meant when I downloaded something it would go onto her phone and vice versa, I downloaded the latest Radio 1 live lounge album today and listened to it at work thinking of how much Han would love it and how I wouldn't have downloaded it had she been here, I would have bought her this CD for her Birthday.  I would have also bought her the next Now CD, Now 83 if it was out in time, if not then it will probably be out in time for Christmas.

I have read that the run up to Birthdays are worse than the day itself, I hope so because I am a mess...

Special occasions...

We've survived Halloween! Tomorrow is Markmas which is the brainchild of one of our daft, lovely friends who doesn't celebrate Christmas! Markmas started as a small gathering at Mark's house to get friends together who are mostly too busy to see each other all the time. It grew to taking all the family and we all absolutely make sure we never miss it, Hannah took a Smirnoff Ice last year but didn't drink it because she wanted to stay "in control" :-)!

Tomorrow we will be going to Markmas, all five of us minus one! There will be friends that we haven't seen since Hannah's funeral and closer friends and family that will try and understand. We will release Chinese lanterns that last year blew back into the garden and all the kids ran scared inside, there is a video that you can hear Hannah shouting and laughing! I will think and ache for Hannah all night, I can still see her image in that setting in my mind from last year covered in fake snow (foam) from the snow machine in the back yard!

On Monday we have Bonfire night. We would normally go to the Scout Hut but it's bizarre! I try to face things but we've done the Scout Hut bonfire forever and we LOVED it, I just cannot possibly face it! We are going to a different one that I have been to but the kids haven't. Last time I went, the man on the mulled wine stall checked the temperature with his finger, licked it then checked again with same finger!!! I still bought some though, it was bloody freezing!

After Monday I have a month off until December 2nd which would be Hannah's 15th Birthday, what a crock of shit that will be!!!!

Other peoples devastation...

Our Police Liaison Officer has been in touch with us a few times since everything happened. More recently to advise that all the papers had been sent in for the inquest and we could expect a date soon.

I'm dreading the inquest, I know what happened and I know how Hannah died, I don't know why it was only her except that she was sleeping the other way round and the concentration of gas could have been higher there.

The Police Liaison officer keeps asking us if we have discussed our statements with my two sisters and brother in law. We haven't...

At first I was in shock, then I wanted to deny anything had happened, I still do. Now however, I think I can't discuss it because I can't bare to witness their utter devastation of finding us all poisoned in our tent and of witnessing fellow campers and paramedics desperately, frantically try to save My, Our beloved Hannah.

My sister has said she is sorry that they didn't come in earlier to find us. How could she have possibly of known? She is devastated, as is my brother in law.

I am sorry that I bought the bastard BBQ the night before, sorry that I insisted in buying a tent with a sewn in frigging ground sheet!

My sister also had to phone my Dad to tell him that his super star Grand Daughter that he possibly loved more than any of us was gone!

Next was for the Police to visit Hannah's biological Dad and his parents. I struggle to visit Han's Grandma and Grandad because I can see the pain and sorrow all over their faces.

Is it guilt that makes others devastation too much for me to handle? Too much for me to deal with? Have others felt like this?

Its just so f*%*king s*%t.........

I have struggled to write lately because I feel so bad and for bereaved parents behind me I want to try and offer some hope but I am struggling.  Comparing myself now to the beginning I can really see how far I have come however I also know that I am a long, long way from seeing the point in anything.

I feel like I am down a well and can't get out.  Not quite in the pit but not far away.  I am so tired, in fact I am more than tired I am absolutely exhausted.   It is so difficult wearing a mask and I am finding it so hard to keep the mask on.  I used to work pretty much on my own, over the last month I have been training a team and I just can't block the conversations out! 

The chatter about poor little April Jones.  One of the team said "I don't know what I would do if it was Will,  I would die."  he didn't just finish there though he proceeded to go on and on about how upset he would be and how Will was his life and how he wouldn't be able to live without him and I just wanted to scream "FUCK OFF!!!!!"  YOU WOULD LIVE WITHOUT HIM BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE!!"  HAVE YOU FORGOT MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER DIED ONLY FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS AGO??????"

The things are less obvious "Did you watch that kid on American X factor doing LMFAO?" (That was the last album Hannah bought).  High five my mortgage has gone through!  (Hannah used to high five me and it drove me mad!!)  British Bake Off  (Hannah loved this and baking).

I just really, really, really, really miss my girl.  I want her back for Halloween and Bonfire Night,  I want her to be 15 on 2nd December.  I want her with me at Christmas and round at my Brother in Laws with me on New Years Eve.  I feel sick with dread at the start of each new day.  I try and be positive, I really do, I don't want to stay in this deep dark well but I just can't seem to pull myself out of it at the moment. 

I still cry most days and if I don't cry one day I get big headaches and cry more the next day.  I am starting to suffer with anxiety and dizzy spells when I am out.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  It is really bloody shit this new life!  Really, really shit!

How I was told my little girl was gone..

They told me Hannah had died in a tent adjacent to the tent that we had slept in.  At first I could not remember, I couldn’t remember anything from the morning except seeing Phil scratching the side of the tent.  It is now a memory burned into my consciousness that flashes at me and takes my breath away.  

I want to go back in time and react differently which is mad because of course if I could go back in time I would go that little bit further and change everything that happened, my little girl would still be here but obviously I can’t. 

These flashbacks appear at any time.  I can be driving my car down the road and it will all of a sudden consume me, I have been caught out at my desk, at the shops, it happens all the time like I am there all over again, like I am sat there with my oxygen mask on with a man who was not a paramedic, I think he was a fellow camper from another tent telling me to breathe and to keep my oxygen mask on.  

The paramedic comes into the tent and tells me Hannah has gone and I say okay?  He asks me if I understand that they could not save Hannah and she has died and I nodded again and whispered okay.  He says for the third time, “Mrs Jones, I am really sorry but your daughter has died are you sure you understand what I am saying” and I whisper “yes I do”.

Okay???????????? WHY did I say that?  Why did I whisper okay because it wasn’t okay?  It was as far from okay as it could really be? Okay? no it is not!  I can no longer say okay without being taken back to the worst moment of my life.  

A week before Hannah died we went for a big walk near where we live through a wood alongside the River Dean.  We followed the River all the way down to the Bollin valley where the Rover Dean meets with the River Bollin.  There is a big pipe that runs part of the way of the walk that is big enough to balance and walk on.  

We were walking on this pipe and I was walking behind Hannah but there was a bramble bush sitting over the pipe that we had to get past.  Hannah kept yelling and laughing because she was being prickled so I wimped out and jumped down, it is this vivid image of her being prickled and laughing that I focus on when having these flash backs.

Hannah following Phil on the pipe along the River Dean

I was taken to hospital in an ambulance with the blue lights on.  Phil had been taken in a separate ambulance but we were placed next to each other in A&E.  I was then told by a pediatrician that Ben had been taken in an air ambulance and was under sedation in intensive care, they said that they were doing everything they could but there was a chance he could have suffered from some damage to the brain of which they would not know until he woke up.  Thankfully he was okay.

Working with colleagues....

I was approached at work today and asked if I could do a Director a favour?  “Of course” I said, “What is it?”  He said “Such and such is having a really tough time because they have been dealing with all the complaints; they were off yesterday because they were so stressed out.  I think there may be issues at home too, would you mind supporting her and taking some of the more difficult queries to give her a break?”

Excuse me?  You want ME to support somebody else because they are having a rough ride?????? (Obviously I didn’t say that out loud just in my head) It’s only been five months!!!

The girl I am “supporting” is actually a lovely girl and she probably doesn’t know I have been asked to do this; she would more than likely be mortified if she knew. 

I don’t expect special treatment although I still finish at three rather than five (this is permanent although work do not know this yet!) but I get on with my work, have taken new responsibilities, have trained new staff of which I did not want to do because I don’t want to discuss my home life at work with people who do not know what has happened to me (this was obviously not considered when I was asked to do this).

I’ll be honest, I find work a distraction, it helps me to be there and be so busy.  I can switch off from my broken life for a few hours, I have some very good friends there but even though I don’t want to be mollycoddled I don’t want people to forget what has happened and I really think that I should have been the last person to be asked to be the “support”!

Part of the problem is that I cannot talk about Hannah at work yet, I cannot tell my colleagues how proud I am of her like I once did nearly everyday.  As soon as I reminisce about something we did or something she said I burst into tears so I don’t talk about her at all, or Phil or the boys for that matter (maybe out of guilt for not talking about Han) thinking about it I only talk about the dogs!!).  I keep my grief to myself which makes me think people have forgotten but they probably haven’t they just don’t know what else to do. 

I'm still alive after nearly 5 months of missing...............

I haven’t given my darling girl a kiss or a snuggle for nearly 5 months.  She hasn’t asked me for anything for nearly 5 months. Her voice was so husky and throaty and I haven’t heard it from her in person for 5 months.  That laugh that was so infectious, the breathy laugh or the high pitch squeal of laughter depending on what she was laughing at I am not going to hear it afresh ever again. 

I will never pick my chicken up from the roundabout at school covered in mud grinning in the rain after Hockey or Football.  I will never tell her off again for ringing me at work at 4 o’clock when it wasn’t an emergency to ask if she could eat the last Kit Kat from the cupboard or if she could bake a cake.  She will never organise my appointments to see all her teachers at parents evening and leave an hour between two of her teachers so we are there all flipping night. 

I will never again see that smiling face wearing a silly hat walking down our garden path, coming home from Chloe’s house.  Or see that exhilarated excited face when she skied her first Black Run in March this year,  I will never comfort her and tell her to swallow her pride when she falls out with her friends and it was her fault for overreacting.

I will never hear her alarm go off at six o’clock in the morning on a weekend because she forgot to turn it off in the week or see her at the top of the stairs in her chequered Pyjama bottoms asking how Ben went on at football the mornings that couldn’t be bothered getting up.  I’ll never get annoyed when she is at Lucy’s and I can’t get through to her mobile because the signal is rubbish. 

I will never hear her play the piano so beautifully or Angie singing along to post on YouTube.  I’ll never hear the foot pedal from the keyboard upstairs banging on the floor, driving me mad.  I’ll never tell her off for talking to Angie on Facetime at midnight.  I’ll never put sun cream on her shoulders on holiday.

I miss her so much. My lovely Hannah who did not deserve this.

How has nearly 5 months passed and how on earth could I have survived this, how can I adjust my life to fit around this?

Hannah Thomas-Jones, Saalbach, March 2012

Hannah's bench in Hannah's Wood.....

Hannah's bench was installed in Hannah's wood last week.  It should have been installed before the end of August but I didn't push The Woodland Trust because to be honest I'm not actually sure that I wanted it to be installed yet.  It is a lovely bench but it serves as a reminder in writing of everything that we have lost, it's like a confirmation and there is no getting away from it.

I have been in a dark place this weekend which has been difficult because we have had relatives staying.  The brave face has been on, the I'm doing okay face and just getting on with it face, but inside is different.  I am getting good at this acting palaver, my pointless GSCE in Drama was not pointless after all. 

I feel a bit like I am back at square one, sobbing in Hannah's room and so angry.  I have spent most of the weekend wanting to join Hannah but I know that I can't and the enduring is so difficult and exhausting.  I am so tired.  Phil and I have had such a solid relationship for so long and love each other so much but even this feels shaky at the moment, I can't even say why but I think it is probably down to me shutting everyone out.

I have been to Hannah's Wood to see the bench, I go there a lot on my own with the Dog's or with Phil and Ben.  Because the bench has been installed this week there will have been a lot of visitors to the wood so I have avoided going because I don't want to bump into anyone there. I don't know why, I don't like seeing other people in the wood but I want everybody to go just not when I am there!

It is also my Dad's 60th birthday today.  We have been for a meal together, all the family, my two sister's, Niece and Nephew.  There was an empty space at the table to match the empty hole in my heart.  We went for a meal near Hannah's wood at a lovely little pub, the plan being that we would go to the wood afterwards but I couldn't face it.  I've realised all of a sudden that I cannot bare to see my family's pain at the wood and that is why I didn't go. 

I know my Dad is heart broken, he cried in the pub when he opened his Birthday Card.  I know my sister is devastated because she cried at my house in the Kitchen last night.  My other sister cried with me on Friday night but I don't want to see them crying in the wood and I don't want them to see me crying in the wood.  I can't comfort them you see because I can't change anything and I am using all my energy to keep myself together, I don't want them to try and comfort me with hugs because I end up comforting them instead. 

I feel like everything is so shit at the moment.  The world keeps going yet my world has stopped.  I just want to get off......

Celebrating Ben's birthday...

I sat and wrapped Ben's birthday presents on Sunday in floods of tears! How could I have been wrapping these without Hannah? How could Ben be getting up the morning of his twelfth birthday and not waking Hannah up before waking us up to open his presents? This should be a happy time but it's not, it's actually really s**t!

As usual now in my new life I reached out to some remarkable people, other bereaved parents who are travelling beside me on my hellish road! I reach out to my new friends for help, support and guidance. I don't know if I could have climbed up from rock bottom on some days without them! This day on Sunday (and Ben's Birthday on Monday) I knew my hand was being held and I was offered some good advice!

The best advice was "do it differently!"! I wish I had expressed my feelings earlier because it was 10 o'clock at night and Ben's birthday was the next day and I didn't have time to do or organise anything really different but I tried and it helped!

Ben opened his presents on our bed instead of downstairs and we had breakfast in bed! After school we went to Pizza Express instead of a tea party at home! Not a huge difference but different enough! I cried more the day before than the day after and I think the build up is worse than the day itself!

All in all it was a nice day! It had to be for Ben, it is the least he deserves my lovely brave boy! My brave boy who said to me at bed time he would never have Birthdays or Christmas ever again if we could have Hannah back!

Do I believe in life after death???

No, I don't believe in life after death.  I don't believe there is anything at all.  I believe that we just die and then we are buried or cremated to become as one with the earth. I think, when we lose somebody they live on only in the hearts and minds of people they have touched and that is the only way they live on, therefore it is down to me to ensure that nobody forgets Hannah.

So why then am I a little obsessed with white feathers?  I see white feathers and I pick them up and bring them home and put them in a jar.  I point white feathers out to my Husband who has kept one in his wallet.  There are so many white feathers and I have never noticed them before.  Even when my Mum died.  White feathers everywhere.

I have also started to wonder about a Garlic smell that appears in Hannah's room every now and again.  We used to laugh because after school when Hannah and Ben went to Grandma's house they would always have Boursin Cheese every single time.  I would pick them up and they would stink out the car with Garlic, Hannah would breathe it on me on purpose!  I would go into her room whilst she was doing her homework etc and her room would stink of Garlic.  Why does her room stink of Garlic every now and again now?

I have had two dreams about Hannah since she died, the first she was with my Mum.  She never met by Mum in real life, my Mum died whilst I was pregnant with Hannah but in my dream they were stood in my Dad's back garden, my Mum's arm was around Hannah's shoulders and Hannah's arm was tucked around her Nana's waist.  They were smiling but didn't say anything, just smiled and looked happy.  The second dream Hannah was three and she was wearing her favourite pink dungarees.  I asked her why she was three and she said that she could be what she wanted to be.

Somebody said to me recently (another bereaved parent) that they thought I was wrong not believing in anything else after death, well not wrong but I can't think of more appropriate word, wrong sounds mean and the lady was not mean at all, quite the opposite.  This lovely lady said that they believed she believed she would see her child again, she was adamant that she would and if she didn't, it didn't matter because she wouldn't know until she was dead anyway and she would then be in the same place anyway.

Maybe I don't really believe that we just die after all, maybe I am just saying that to myself to avoid being disappointed.  What if some of these things are signs from Hannah and I am stubbornly ignoring them?  She would laugh at this to be fair although by now she would probably be getting a little annoyed.  Should I stop being such a skeptic and embrace these things and try and make myself believe?  Will it bring me comfort believing in more?? 

The Artisan Market...

There is an Artisan Market on the third Saturday of every month in our town of Wilmslow in Cheshire.  We normally go every month, if for no other reason than to buy a particular bottle of Chilli Piri Piri sauce from a stall on there that is fantastic.  We thought we would go yesterday to get out really, and have a walk around.

Everywhere I go is full of memories of Hannah.  The memories are welcome but it is really, really tough.  Today on the market, we were walking along and I saw the Sticky Toffee Pudding stall.  When Hannah was here, Phil and I bumped into her with her friends at the Artisan Market.  She was a brilliant teenager; she loved us and was proud of us, introducing us to her friends that we didn’t know very well from school.  We gave her some money and she walked off laughing as usual with her friends.

When we got home later that day, Hannah came home and had bought us the Sticky Toffee Pudding. Hannah was terrible with money, as soon as she got it, she just had to spend it, she didn’t just spend it on herself though, she would spend it on us, Ben, her friends etc, and this drove me mad.  I wanted to teach her the value of money and how to save for things she wanted.  She really wanted a Jack Wills Gilet and I wanted her to try and save for it. And for this reason, instead of being grateful and touched that she had spent money on us, I nagged her!

How I wish I could go back in time and tell her that I loved the fact she bought us the Sticky Toffee Pudding.  How I was so proud of how thoughtful, kind and loving she was.  I want to shout out as loud as I can how much I love her, I want to scream and scream and scream.

I was glad that the memory came back to me but really, really sad that I have to look backwards to see happy times, I cannot imagine any truly happy times like they used to be going forwards because there will always be a hole in our lives where Hannah should have been next to us, sharing them.