Christmas shopping...

Hannah has a younger brother Ben who is 12 and two older Brothers, Ryan 20 and Lee 18.  I have been trying to buy Christmas Presents for them for the past 2 weeks but I just can't do it.   I can't see anything that I think they would like and my enthusiasm is not there.

I have been to the Trafford Centre, Manchester, John Lewis, Superdry, Bank, Debenhams, Selfridges, Hollister, Crew, Fat Face, Joules, Sports Direct, Comet.  I've been bloody everywhere and bought absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  Actually I am lying.  I have bought three footballs and two pairs of gloves but that's not exactly a great Christmas is it? 

My heart just isn't in it at all.  I am trying my best, we even went to Manchester, to the Christmas Markets and wore Christmas Jumpers to fool our friends and family into thinking we were more okay than we were, whilst looking on all the stalls for things that Hannah would have liked!

We are actually escaping to Keswick this Christmas on our own, without the boys.  Ben is going to his Dad's and the older boys are going to Phil's sisters.  I couldn't even book that.  It is like I cannot acknowledge  anything in the future because I can't bare to think of it without Hannah in it.  This leaves poor Phil taking over a whole heap of responsibility for our future because I was the planner.  I planned our holidays, days out, Birthdays, Christmas and I now find that I can't.

Happy Days at Southern Down Beach

Perfect Day..,

This was the title of the song that was number one the day Hannah was born. It was the Children in need single rather than the Lou Reed version but I listen to the Lou Reed version more often.

I love this song because it was a perfect day when she was born. A short 7 hour labour followed by an easy delivery and she was here, all 6 pound 61/2 of her. She was born at 9.50pm also known as cowboy time according to proud Granddad John (10 to 10).

The song mentions drinking Sangria in the park. Obviously Hannah didn't drink Sangria on the park but she did try it in a Chinese restaurant in Spain. She also served us our Sangria on the beach when we went to watch a fabulous Fiesta where the kids received Melons, flowers and all types of fruit from the various floats that rode past.

Feed animals in the Zoo. We fed giraffes and camels and Han nearly jumped out of her skin when the giraffe bent over to sniff her! They then swam with Sea Lions who gave big smackers kisses out that virtually pushed Hannah across the swimming pool!

A movie too. We loved the cinema, one of my most vivid memories was of being stood with a young Han waiting for Ben and Phil to buy the tickets. Ben flew from nowhere and rugby tackled Hannah to the floor in the foyer! He took us by such surprise that I burst out laughing and Han sat there looking slightly annoyed waiting for the moment she could get her little brother back!

And then home. Home sweet home, once full of fun and laughter. Of board games and baking. Of reading and dancing. Of Nintendo Wii and mini arguments and bickering. Full of the smell of perfume and body spray. Waiting for ages for the bathroom! Hunting down my hair straighteners and hair dryer. The sound of the piano and the piano pedal banging on the floor.

Those were perfect days, and I am glad I spent them with Hannah and I often sing this song loudly (maybe slightly out of tune) in my car, at the top of my voice, crying.

Now it feels like silence and it surrounds me....and I hate.

Getting on with things...

I've not written for a while because I haven't felt the need to really.  I have found that my interest in things changes all the time.  I find something that I think helps and launch myself into it full pelt only to find that it only helps for a little while then I need to think of something else.  For instance I have taken up sewing and have been making cushions, hats, bunting etc.  I like doing it but I keep hitting that bloody brick wall of just what is the frigging point?  It used to take me three days to read a book, now it takes me three weeks?

I think I must be hitting the depression part of my grief (I need to look into this more because I am remembering a bit about a book I read months ago).  I am struggling to get up and get my arse to work some days which is unusual because I have found work and keeping busy helpful.  Loud noises really irritate me and frustrate me, things like the dog barking or Phil shouting (not at me, normally at an inanimate ibject that is not performing its task properly).

To be fair we have just muddled out way through Hannah's 15th Birthday.  We met up with family and friends and planted daffodils in our local park which was nice (I pinched the idea from Linda, gorgeous Gregor's Mum).  I am glad we did it rather than stayed at home.  Later on when it got dark we let off Chinese lanterns (environmentally friendly bamboo ones), 15 of them.  It was a sad day but it was okay.  I have struggled with the aftermath though.  I have been exhausted this week and very short tempered but I am still here which is good.

I have decided to put a Christmas Tree up this coming weekend which will be tough but it has to be done for Ben and for me.  Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year. I want it to be Ben's too so it has to be done!

The photo below was taken over New Year in 2010.  We were on a ferry from St Mawes to Falmouth and were acting out Jack & Rose on the Titanic.  I look back and miss her so much that I cannot contemplate looking forwards.....

I miss you with every breath I take my little chicken xxxxx

Hannah Thomas-Jones and me on a Ferry St Mawes to Falmouth, New Year 2010