I'm still alive after nearly 5 months of missing...............

I haven’t given my darling girl a kiss or a snuggle for nearly 5 months.  She hasn’t asked me for anything for nearly 5 months. Her voice was so husky and throaty and I haven’t heard it from her in person for 5 months.  That laugh that was so infectious, the breathy laugh or the high pitch squeal of laughter depending on what she was laughing at I am not going to hear it afresh ever again. 

I will never pick my chicken up from the roundabout at school covered in mud grinning in the rain after Hockey or Football.  I will never tell her off again for ringing me at work at 4 o’clock when it wasn’t an emergency to ask if she could eat the last Kit Kat from the cupboard or if she could bake a cake.  She will never organise my appointments to see all her teachers at parents evening and leave an hour between two of her teachers so we are there all flipping night. 

I will never again see that smiling face wearing a silly hat walking down our garden path, coming home from Chloe’s house.  Or see that exhilarated excited face when she skied her first Black Run in March this year,  I will never comfort her and tell her to swallow her pride when she falls out with her friends and it was her fault for overreacting.

I will never hear her alarm go off at six o’clock in the morning on a weekend because she forgot to turn it off in the week or see her at the top of the stairs in her chequered Pyjama bottoms asking how Ben went on at football the mornings that couldn’t be bothered getting up.  I’ll never get annoyed when she is at Lucy’s and I can’t get through to her mobile because the signal is rubbish. 

I will never hear her play the piano so beautifully or Angie singing along to post on YouTube.  I’ll never hear the foot pedal from the keyboard upstairs banging on the floor, driving me mad.  I’ll never tell her off for talking to Angie on Facetime at midnight.  I’ll never put sun cream on her shoulders on holiday.

I miss her so much. My lovely Hannah who did not deserve this.

How has nearly 5 months passed and how on earth could I have survived this, how can I adjust my life to fit around this?

Hannah Thomas-Jones, Saalbach, March 2012

Hannah's bench in Hannah's Wood.....

Hannah's bench was installed in Hannah's wood last week.  It should have been installed before the end of August but I didn't push The Woodland Trust because to be honest I'm not actually sure that I wanted it to be installed yet.  It is a lovely bench but it serves as a reminder in writing of everything that we have lost, it's like a confirmation and there is no getting away from it.

I have been in a dark place this weekend which has been difficult because we have had relatives staying.  The brave face has been on, the I'm doing okay face and just getting on with it face, but inside is different.  I am getting good at this acting palaver, my pointless GSCE in Drama was not pointless after all. 

I feel a bit like I am back at square one, sobbing in Hannah's room and so angry.  I have spent most of the weekend wanting to join Hannah but I know that I can't and the enduring is so difficult and exhausting.  I am so tired.  Phil and I have had such a solid relationship for so long and love each other so much but even this feels shaky at the moment, I can't even say why but I think it is probably down to me shutting everyone out.

I have been to Hannah's Wood to see the bench, I go there a lot on my own with the Dog's or with Phil and Ben.  Because the bench has been installed this week there will have been a lot of visitors to the wood so I have avoided going because I don't want to bump into anyone there. I don't know why, I don't like seeing other people in the wood but I want everybody to go just not when I am there!

It is also my Dad's 60th birthday today.  We have been for a meal together, all the family, my two sister's, Niece and Nephew.  There was an empty space at the table to match the empty hole in my heart.  We went for a meal near Hannah's wood at a lovely little pub, the plan being that we would go to the wood afterwards but I couldn't face it.  I've realised all of a sudden that I cannot bare to see my family's pain at the wood and that is why I didn't go. 

I know my Dad is heart broken, he cried in the pub when he opened his Birthday Card.  I know my sister is devastated because she cried at my house in the Kitchen last night.  My other sister cried with me on Friday night but I don't want to see them crying in the wood and I don't want them to see me crying in the wood.  I can't comfort them you see because I can't change anything and I am using all my energy to keep myself together, I don't want them to try and comfort me with hugs because I end up comforting them instead. 

I feel like everything is so shit at the moment.  The world keeps going yet my world has stopped.  I just want to get off......

Celebrating Ben's birthday...

I sat and wrapped Ben's birthday presents on Sunday in floods of tears! How could I have been wrapping these without Hannah? How could Ben be getting up the morning of his twelfth birthday and not waking Hannah up before waking us up to open his presents? This should be a happy time but it's not, it's actually really s**t!

As usual now in my new life I reached out to some remarkable people, other bereaved parents who are travelling beside me on my hellish road! I reach out to my new friends for help, support and guidance. I don't know if I could have climbed up from rock bottom on some days without them! This day on Sunday (and Ben's Birthday on Monday) I knew my hand was being held and I was offered some good advice!

The best advice was "do it differently!"! I wish I had expressed my feelings earlier because it was 10 o'clock at night and Ben's birthday was the next day and I didn't have time to do or organise anything really different but I tried and it helped!

Ben opened his presents on our bed instead of downstairs and we had breakfast in bed! After school we went to Pizza Express instead of a tea party at home! Not a huge difference but different enough! I cried more the day before than the day after and I think the build up is worse than the day itself!

All in all it was a nice day! It had to be for Ben, it is the least he deserves my lovely brave boy! My brave boy who said to me at bed time he would never have Birthdays or Christmas ever again if we could have Hannah back!

Do I believe in life after death???

No, I don't believe in life after death.  I don't believe there is anything at all.  I believe that we just die and then we are buried or cremated to become as one with the earth. I think, when we lose somebody they live on only in the hearts and minds of people they have touched and that is the only way they live on, therefore it is down to me to ensure that nobody forgets Hannah.

So why then am I a little obsessed with white feathers?  I see white feathers and I pick them up and bring them home and put them in a jar.  I point white feathers out to my Husband who has kept one in his wallet.  There are so many white feathers and I have never noticed them before.  Even when my Mum died.  White feathers everywhere.

I have also started to wonder about a Garlic smell that appears in Hannah's room every now and again.  We used to laugh because after school when Hannah and Ben went to Grandma's house they would always have Boursin Cheese every single time.  I would pick them up and they would stink out the car with Garlic, Hannah would breathe it on me on purpose!  I would go into her room whilst she was doing her homework etc and her room would stink of Garlic.  Why does her room stink of Garlic every now and again now?

I have had two dreams about Hannah since she died, the first she was with my Mum.  She never met by Mum in real life, my Mum died whilst I was pregnant with Hannah but in my dream they were stood in my Dad's back garden, my Mum's arm was around Hannah's shoulders and Hannah's arm was tucked around her Nana's waist.  They were smiling but didn't say anything, just smiled and looked happy.  The second dream Hannah was three and she was wearing her favourite pink dungarees.  I asked her why she was three and she said that she could be what she wanted to be.

Somebody said to me recently (another bereaved parent) that they thought I was wrong not believing in anything else after death, well not wrong but I can't think of more appropriate word, wrong sounds mean and the lady was not mean at all, quite the opposite.  This lovely lady said that they believed she believed she would see her child again, she was adamant that she would and if she didn't, it didn't matter because she wouldn't know until she was dead anyway and she would then be in the same place anyway.

Maybe I don't really believe that we just die after all, maybe I am just saying that to myself to avoid being disappointed.  What if some of these things are signs from Hannah and I am stubbornly ignoring them?  She would laugh at this to be fair although by now she would probably be getting a little annoyed.  Should I stop being such a skeptic and embrace these things and try and make myself believe?  Will it bring me comfort believing in more?? 

The Artisan Market...

There is an Artisan Market on the third Saturday of every month in our town of Wilmslow in Cheshire.  We normally go every month, if for no other reason than to buy a particular bottle of Chilli Piri Piri sauce from a stall on there that is fantastic.  We thought we would go yesterday to get out really, and have a walk around.

Everywhere I go is full of memories of Hannah.  The memories are welcome but it is really, really tough.  Today on the market, we were walking along and I saw the Sticky Toffee Pudding stall.  When Hannah was here, Phil and I bumped into her with her friends at the Artisan Market.  She was a brilliant teenager; she loved us and was proud of us, introducing us to her friends that we didn’t know very well from school.  We gave her some money and she walked off laughing as usual with her friends.

When we got home later that day, Hannah came home and had bought us the Sticky Toffee Pudding. Hannah was terrible with money, as soon as she got it, she just had to spend it, she didn’t just spend it on herself though, she would spend it on us, Ben, her friends etc, and this drove me mad.  I wanted to teach her the value of money and how to save for things she wanted.  She really wanted a Jack Wills Gilet and I wanted her to try and save for it. And for this reason, instead of being grateful and touched that she had spent money on us, I nagged her!

How I wish I could go back in time and tell her that I loved the fact she bought us the Sticky Toffee Pudding.  How I was so proud of how thoughtful, kind and loving she was.  I want to shout out as loud as I can how much I love her, I want to scream and scream and scream.

I was glad that the memory came back to me but really, really sad that I have to look backwards to see happy times, I cannot imagine any truly happy times like they used to be going forwards because there will always be a hole in our lives where Hannah should have been next to us, sharing them. 

Which months will be worse....

I always thought that my worst months were going to be May and December.  May, because it will be Hannah’s anniversary, and December because it is Hannah’s Birthday and Christmas.  I’m not sure about this now though because every month is awful with painful things to face.

August was painful because we always had our family summer holidays in August.  These were always special no matter what we did.  After our holidays we always seemed to return refreshed and closer as a family, away from the madness and business of home, school and work we seemed to pull together and were hugely happy.  This August was nice but painful.

September.  It’s only the 9^th and it has already been tough, tough, tough!  The kids going back to school with the new school blazer and tie that came in this year. Taking Ben to buy the uniform without Hannah and dropping him off on his first day at High School without his doting big sister by his side.  Seeing Hannah’s friends walking dog’s on the park.  Hannah should be with them, with Rory, our dog by her side.  Its hell on earth, it really is. For the rest of the month I have to face Ben’s twelfth Birthday.  My Sister’s Birthday and my Dad’s 60^thBirthday all without our chicken and that’s only the occasions, not even including the day to day stuff.

October has no birthdays, no anniversaries, just life.  Just life going on as usual for the majority of people and it’s this that hurts more than all the birthdays, anniversaries and occasions.  It’s the everyday setting one less place at the table and not hanging her coat up that she’s thrown on the sofa.  It’s my GHD hair straighteners always being where I left them instead of under a pile of clothes in Hannah’s rubbish tip of a room.    It’s the “Mum, Can I sleep at Lucy’s? Can you drop me off? Pick me up? Give me some money?” It’s the smells, sounds and laughter. The house is full of people yet it feels so, so empty.  Then there is Halloween.  Last year I went to work dressed as a werewolf and she helped me make my costume whilst wearing a red wig with horns.  My gorgeous girl sat on my bed with me,ripping jeans up and colouring them in with a red felt tip!  I can see it so vividly and it hurts so much.

I just miss her so badly, I want to be able to say that I am feeling better, when I say better I just mean that after 4 and a half months, life is regaining some meaning.  Some days I do and I canenvisage a future.  Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and teeter on the edge of the big black pit of despair.  Every day I can function and pretend that I am okay.  I look after my family and they look after me.  I take Ben to football and school.  I go to work, walk the dogs.  I go out with friends, get pissed and laugh but everything is tainted and meaningless.  I have a hollow in my chest that I don’t think will ever shift and I’m not sure I want it to.

Asking for forgiveness...

I have had real issues with guilt and still feel guilty for a million different things. I understand this is a "stage" or part of the grieving "spiral" and have been looking for ways to help me try and work through some aspects of it.

One of the suggested ways is to sit opposite an empty chair and ask for forgiveness, talk to it like you are talking to the person you have lost! My house is too busy to be able to do that so I took Humphrey for a walk somewhere quiet and had a chat with him instead!

The thing is though, I know Hannah loved me and I know that she would not want me to be feeling and suffering like this. But. I also know that she was looking forward to so many things! She loved living, laughing and being alive, she would not have wanted to die so how can she forgive me?? How can she forgive that just one different decision in one of many choices could mean she would still be with us?

Too much has been taken away from her to say "never mind Mum, chin up and crack on with it"?

I know she will forgive me for missing her semi final at football and for working full time even though I could have spent more time at home. She would forgive me for not giving her enough spends and for not letting her sleep at Lucy's house on the Thursday! She would even forgive me for buying Humphrey when I said "no more pets"! Forgive me for her losing absolutely everything? I'm not so sure about that?

It does not consume me like it did but if I wake in the night it takes a long time to drop back off!

I just miss her all the time, it's been really bad this weekend, almost back to square one bad, possibly because Summer is now over.