Getting on with things...

I've not written for a while because I haven't felt the need to really.  I have found that my interest in things changes all the time.  I find something that I think helps and launch myself into it full pelt only to find that it only helps for a little while then I need to think of something else.  For instance I have taken up sewing and have been making cushions, hats, bunting etc.  I like doing it but I keep hitting that bloody brick wall of just what is the frigging point?  It used to take me three days to read a book, now it takes me three weeks?

I think I must be hitting the depression part of my grief (I need to look into this more because I am remembering a bit about a book I read months ago).  I am struggling to get up and get my arse to work some days which is unusual because I have found work and keeping busy helpful.  Loud noises really irritate me and frustrate me, things like the dog barking or Phil shouting (not at me, normally at an inanimate ibject that is not performing its task properly).

To be fair we have just muddled out way through Hannah's 15th Birthday.  We met up with family and friends and planted daffodils in our local park which was nice (I pinched the idea from Linda, gorgeous Gregor's Mum).  I am glad we did it rather than stayed at home.  Later on when it got dark we let off Chinese lanterns (environmentally friendly bamboo ones), 15 of them.  It was a sad day but it was okay.  I have struggled with the aftermath though.  I have been exhausted this week and very short tempered but I am still here which is good.

I have decided to put a Christmas Tree up this coming weekend which will be tough but it has to be done for Ben and for me.  Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year. I want it to be Ben's too so it has to be done!

The photo below was taken over New Year in 2010.  We were on a ferry from St Mawes to Falmouth and were acting out Jack & Rose on the Titanic.  I look back and miss her so much that I cannot contemplate looking forwards.....

I miss you with every breath I take my little chicken xxxxx

Hannah Thomas-Jones and me on a Ferry St Mawes to Falmouth, New Year 2010

Hannah's Birthday Plans.....

I popped into our Village on Saturday and noticed that they are planting the Jubilee wood on Sunday 2nd December which coincides with Hannah's 15th Birthday.  My original Birthday survival plan was to avoid the whole world and stay in bed all day but seeing this advert for volunteers has made me realise that it would actually be really nice to get family and friends together as a team to help plant the Jubilee wood.

After the planting I thought we could go back to our local pub The Freemasons Arms in Handforth and arrange for a Hotpot of some kind or even some sausage sandwiches (Hannah's fave) and a few drinks, then set off some Chinese Lanterns when it gets dark.

In the middle of these thoughts I suddenly thought, What the hell am I doing?  How can it possibly nearly be Hannah's Birthday and how can I do this without her?  Last year she asked me for an Iphone 4 and I told her it was too expensive for a Birthday present, I told her to ask for money or vouchers and I would put towards it.  I'll never ever forget her face when she opened her present and it was the Iphone4, we thought she was going to burst with joy!

I set her Iphone up on my Itunes which meant when I downloaded something it would go onto her phone and vice versa, I downloaded the latest Radio 1 live lounge album today and listened to it at work thinking of how much Han would love it and how I wouldn't have downloaded it had she been here, I would have bought her this CD for her Birthday.  I would have also bought her the next Now CD, Now 83 if it was out in time, if not then it will probably be out in time for Christmas.

I have read that the run up to Birthdays are worse than the day itself, I hope so because I am a mess...

Special occasions...

We've survived Halloween! Tomorrow is Markmas which is the brainchild of one of our daft, lovely friends who doesn't celebrate Christmas! Markmas started as a small gathering at Mark's house to get friends together who are mostly too busy to see each other all the time. It grew to taking all the family and we all absolutely make sure we never miss it, Hannah took a Smirnoff Ice last year but didn't drink it because she wanted to stay "in control" :-)!

Tomorrow we will be going to Markmas, all five of us minus one! There will be friends that we haven't seen since Hannah's funeral and closer friends and family that will try and understand. We will release Chinese lanterns that last year blew back into the garden and all the kids ran scared inside, there is a video that you can hear Hannah shouting and laughing! I will think and ache for Hannah all night, I can still see her image in that setting in my mind from last year covered in fake snow (foam) from the snow machine in the back yard!

On Monday we have Bonfire night. We would normally go to the Scout Hut but it's bizarre! I try to face things but we've done the Scout Hut bonfire forever and we LOVED it, I just cannot possibly face it! We are going to a different one that I have been to but the kids haven't. Last time I went, the man on the mulled wine stall checked the temperature with his finger, licked it then checked again with same finger!!! I still bought some though, it was bloody freezing!

After Monday I have a month off until December 2nd which would be Hannah's 15th Birthday, what a crock of shit that will be!!!!

Other peoples devastation...

Our Police Liaison Officer has been in touch with us a few times since everything happened. More recently to advise that all the papers had been sent in for the inquest and we could expect a date soon.

I'm dreading the inquest, I know what happened and I know how Hannah died, I don't know why it was only her except that she was sleeping the other way round and the concentration of gas could have been higher there.

The Police Liaison officer keeps asking us if we have discussed our statements with my two sisters and brother in law. We haven't...

At first I was in shock, then I wanted to deny anything had happened, I still do. Now however, I think I can't discuss it because I can't bare to witness their utter devastation of finding us all poisoned in our tent and of witnessing fellow campers and paramedics desperately, frantically try to save My, Our beloved Hannah.

My sister has said she is sorry that they didn't come in earlier to find us. How could she have possibly of known? She is devastated, as is my brother in law.

I am sorry that I bought the bastard BBQ the night before, sorry that I insisted in buying a tent with a sewn in frigging ground sheet!

My sister also had to phone my Dad to tell him that his super star Grand Daughter that he possibly loved more than any of us was gone!

Next was for the Police to visit Hannah's biological Dad and his parents. I struggle to visit Han's Grandma and Grandad because I can see the pain and sorrow all over their faces.

Is it guilt that makes others devastation too much for me to handle? Too much for me to deal with? Have others felt like this?

Its just so f*%*king s*%t.........

I have struggled to write lately because I feel so bad and for bereaved parents behind me I want to try and offer some hope but I am struggling.  Comparing myself now to the beginning I can really see how far I have come however I also know that I am a long, long way from seeing the point in anything.

I feel like I am down a well and can't get out.  Not quite in the pit but not far away.  I am so tired, in fact I am more than tired I am absolutely exhausted.   It is so difficult wearing a mask and I am finding it so hard to keep the mask on.  I used to work pretty much on my own, over the last month I have been training a team and I just can't block the conversations out! 

The chatter about poor little April Jones.  One of the team said "I don't know what I would do if it was Will,  I would die."  he didn't just finish there though he proceeded to go on and on about how upset he would be and how Will was his life and how he wouldn't be able to live without him and I just wanted to scream "FUCK OFF!!!!!"  YOU WOULD LIVE WITHOUT HIM BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE!!"  HAVE YOU FORGOT MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER DIED ONLY FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS AGO??????"

The things are less obvious "Did you watch that kid on American X factor doing LMFAO?" (That was the last album Hannah bought).  High five my mortgage has gone through!  (Hannah used to high five me and it drove me mad!!)  British Bake Off  (Hannah loved this and baking).

I just really, really, really, really miss my girl.  I want her back for Halloween and Bonfire Night,  I want her to be 15 on 2nd December.  I want her with me at Christmas and round at my Brother in Laws with me on New Years Eve.  I feel sick with dread at the start of each new day.  I try and be positive, I really do, I don't want to stay in this deep dark well but I just can't seem to pull myself out of it at the moment. 

I still cry most days and if I don't cry one day I get big headaches and cry more the next day.  I am starting to suffer with anxiety and dizzy spells when I am out.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  It is really bloody shit this new life!  Really, really shit!

How I was told my little girl was gone..

They told me Hannah had died in a tent adjacent to the tent that we had slept in.  At first I could not remember, I couldn’t remember anything from the morning except seeing Phil scratching the side of the tent.  It is now a memory burned into my consciousness that flashes at me and takes my breath away.  

I want to go back in time and react differently which is mad because of course if I could go back in time I would go that little bit further and change everything that happened, my little girl would still be here but obviously I can’t. 

These flashbacks appear at any time.  I can be driving my car down the road and it will all of a sudden consume me, I have been caught out at my desk, at the shops, it happens all the time like I am there all over again, like I am sat there with my oxygen mask on with a man who was not a paramedic, I think he was a fellow camper from another tent telling me to breathe and to keep my oxygen mask on.  

The paramedic comes into the tent and tells me Hannah has gone and I say okay?  He asks me if I understand that they could not save Hannah and she has died and I nodded again and whispered okay.  He says for the third time, “Mrs Jones, I am really sorry but your daughter has died are you sure you understand what I am saying” and I whisper “yes I do”.

Okay???????????? WHY did I say that?  Why did I whisper okay because it wasn’t okay?  It was as far from okay as it could really be? Okay? no it is not!  I can no longer say okay without being taken back to the worst moment of my life.  

A week before Hannah died we went for a big walk near where we live through a wood alongside the River Dean.  We followed the River all the way down to the Bollin valley where the Rover Dean meets with the River Bollin.  There is a big pipe that runs part of the way of the walk that is big enough to balance and walk on.  

We were walking on this pipe and I was walking behind Hannah but there was a bramble bush sitting over the pipe that we had to get past.  Hannah kept yelling and laughing because she was being prickled so I wimped out and jumped down, it is this vivid image of her being prickled and laughing that I focus on when having these flash backs.

Hannah following Phil on the pipe along the River Dean

I was taken to hospital in an ambulance with the blue lights on.  Phil had been taken in a separate ambulance but we were placed next to each other in A&E.  I was then told by a pediatrician that Ben had been taken in an air ambulance and was under sedation in intensive care, they said that they were doing everything they could but there was a chance he could have suffered from some damage to the brain of which they would not know until he woke up.  Thankfully he was okay.

Working with colleagues....

I was approached at work today and asked if I could do a Director a favour?  “Of course” I said, “What is it?”  He said “Such and such is having a really tough time because they have been dealing with all the complaints; they were off yesterday because they were so stressed out.  I think there may be issues at home too, would you mind supporting her and taking some of the more difficult queries to give her a break?”

Excuse me?  You want ME to support somebody else because they are having a rough ride?????? (Obviously I didn’t say that out loud just in my head) It’s only been five months!!!

The girl I am “supporting” is actually a lovely girl and she probably doesn’t know I have been asked to do this; she would more than likely be mortified if she knew. 

I don’t expect special treatment although I still finish at three rather than five (this is permanent although work do not know this yet!) but I get on with my work, have taken new responsibilities, have trained new staff of which I did not want to do because I don’t want to discuss my home life at work with people who do not know what has happened to me (this was obviously not considered when I was asked to do this).

I’ll be honest, I find work a distraction, it helps me to be there and be so busy.  I can switch off from my broken life for a few hours, I have some very good friends there but even though I don’t want to be mollycoddled I don’t want people to forget what has happened and I really think that I should have been the last person to be asked to be the “support”!

Part of the problem is that I cannot talk about Hannah at work yet, I cannot tell my colleagues how proud I am of her like I once did nearly everyday.  As soon as I reminisce about something we did or something she said I burst into tears so I don’t talk about her at all, or Phil or the boys for that matter (maybe out of guilt for not talking about Han) thinking about it I only talk about the dogs!!).  I keep my grief to myself which makes me think people have forgotten but they probably haven’t they just don’t know what else to do.