Collecting Hannah's Ashes....

Every bereaved parent will tell you that they have suffered with some aspect of guilt.  I suffer with guilt for a whole host of reasons although it no longer is all consuming like it was a couple of weeks ago.

One aspect of my guilt was because I had not collected Hannah's ashes from the funeral directors.  I felt that I was letting her down by leaving them there but until this week I had not felt able to go and had no idea what I wanted to do with them.

Last Thursday I decided that nothing could possibly be worse that what we had already been through, I just needed to collect her and bring her home so I could stop worrying about it.  I contacted the funeral director and asked them when I could go over and they said anytime.  It suddenly dawned on me that they probably would be kept in a horrible container and I would need to choose a casket or urn (still not sure of the difference).  I could not bear to see what they had come back from the crem in.

I chose a hand made willow urn because it would have been something that Hannah would have chosen, this was ready on Friday which meant that we could collect Hannah on Friday........

I went to work in the morning, then straight from work my husband picked me up and we went over to collect her.  I thought I could hold myself together but as I sat in the reception area of the funeral director's, the enormity and finality of what we had done hit me like a sledge hammer.  Hannah was physically no longer here on this earth, we had cremated her and all that was left was a Willow basket of ashes.  I cried and sobbed and cried.

I carried her home on my lap and didn't realise how tight a grip I had until I got out of the car and my fingers were aching.  I had a vision of Phil braking really hard and of us being covered in Hannah's ashes.  I know that this moment is not in anyway funny but I had to stifle a nervous giggle because if that had happened Hannah would have rolled around on the floor laughing, we were so so alike with our inappropriate laughter.

Hannah's ashes are now in her room at home next to her iphone4 and her laptop.  I am still not sure what we want to do yet.  I thought I would not like Hannah's ashes in the house and it would be strange but it's not so I am going to wait until something feels right.  I am however going to buy a Memory Bear and put a small amount of her ashes in it so she can come on holidays with us.  Ben likes this idea and he wants to take her on all the Roller Coasters she refused to go on, starting with Oblivion in Alton Towers.  She would like this idea although she would want to get her own back eventually.

It has been a terrible weekend with even more tears than normal if that is possible but I feel better for having her home.

Ben, Hannah, Phil and Me on the wettest ride ever at Alton Towers

This website was recommended to me by another parent for Hannah's memory bear, there are also some other lovely memorials on here Memory Bears and Boxes

What am I doing?

In the past couple of months I have bought a pair of grey Converse trainers the same as Hannah's.  I wear them all the time, even to work although I take them off and put some shoes on for in the actual office.  The shoes I put on in the office are red leather shoes bought because Hannah has a pair of red Vans and even though I know she would not have liked them, I like them because they are red like Hannah's Vans.

I have bought a Superdry top that I wear because she would have liked it.   I have bought the same Hollister Sadie perfume as Hannah's so I can smell her perfume all the time, her perfume bottle is still on her bed side table and the same soap and glory body butter that she got for Christmas.

My two lovely sisters both bought me charm bracelets.  One is a Thomas Sabo bracelet in black, Les said Hannah loved hers which was exactly the same as mine and kept dropping subtle hints to her.  Les wanted  Hannah to have the bracelet after she died and she was cremated with the bracelet on, I have a matching one with a charm of two interlinked hearts that I see as Hannah's and mine.  I also have a big shiny H charm, obviously H for Hannah! 

The other bracelet is a Pandora which is an ongoing story.  I have a heart on there (Hannah's) that was bought by my other sister Ang as part of a pair.  The other heart was in the pocket of her treasured Superdry shirt that she wore for her funeral, along with her Holister Chino's and Red Vans.  There is also a H for Hannah, a sparkly football that Ben bought me for my Birthday to remember that Hannah won the Cheshire cup with her school football team only a week before.  There is a study book charm to remind me that Hannah was working really hard for her RE GCSE and her end of year exams.  There is also a Music note charm because I loved her playing the Piano and she was just short of taking her grade 4 exam. I am going to by a cupcake charm next because Hannah LOVES cakes.

I have also had a tattoo of Hannah's name on my back with a picture of a Bee and will be getting another one on my wrist of a music note.  

Hannah Planking in the Pennines near Bollington with her Red Vans and Hollister Chinos

What next?.....................

Anniversary....

On Monday it will be fifteen years since we said goodbye to our lovely Mum.  I never had to count how many years it was because I was pregnant with Hannah when she died and I always knew that on the 23rd July it would be the same amount of years as how old Hannah would be on 2nd December.  This year Hannah would have been 15.

When my Mum died I was heartbroken, it was so sudden.  One minute she had a cold, then within 2 weeks she was gone.  I was only sixteen and I was pregnant with Hannah, I don't think there was another time when I needed her more than I did then.  I hadn't told her I was pregnant because I knew she would be so disappointed. Our family was shattered into pieces that July in 1997 and I never thought that I could be happy again but I was.....I was very, very, very happy over the next 14 and a half years.  The happiest I have ever been.  I missed my Mum every day but I was happy, I didn't realise actually how happy I was, how happy and how bloody lucky we all were.

When Hannah was born she pulled everyone together and gave us all a focus.  My Dad doted on his first gorgeous grand daughter along with my two older sisters and Grandma and Grandad from Hannah's Dad's side of the family.  Nobody doted on her more than her Dad and Me.  Hannah flourished, I felt I had so much to prove because I was so young so I carried on working part time and went to college in the evening, I studied every baby book that was around and followed Miriam Stoppard's baby book to a t. We bought our first house as soon as I was 18, we were over the moon.  We wanted a brother or sister for Hannah and Ben came along in September 2000, everything was complete!

The pain of losing my Mum was horrific and I will always miss her, I missed her when Hannah was born and when Ben was born, she would have loved her grand children.  I missed her at all the other big and small milestones that she missed BUT! it was NOTHING compared to how I feel now.  Losing Hannah brings a whole new meaning to the word "grief", nothing else could possibly be worse than this and to people who have never been through this, the pain is unimaginable.  My family is now incomplete, any future photo's, holidays, days out have a hole in them where Hannah should be.  All the unfulfilled hopes and dreams for the future, GONE in a flash!

I am fortunate where nobody has yet to compare our huge loss to one of a parent or a pet but I have heard of some parents that have heard this comparison.  If anyone did say this to me I think I might punch them......

Tip toeing on thin ice........

I have found it difficult to keep going this week.  I feel like I am walking on thin ice, sometimes I can tip toe along and I am okay but when the ice breaks I am sent plummeting down into a dark, ice cold depth that is so so difficult to swim out of.

When I am swimming around in these dark waters I try and think of the times where I have been tip toeing along, I think that if I can just keep swimming then eventually I will reach the top and get my breath back.  I can then climb out and continue my tip toe, tip toe along.

We have had lovely family staying with us this weekend which was nice.  Normally when they stay with us, they have Hannah's room and Hannah stays with Ben in his room.  This time Hannah's room was out of bounds so we juggled it around a bit.  The difficulty with this was that Hannah loved giving her room up for the weekend, she was really proud of her room and loved sharing it, especially with our family.  She also loved sharing with Ben (sometimes) and I used to tell them off because they never stopped talking.

We went bowling (which Hannah loved) ten of us in total, which was good although at times I felt I was watching everybody else including myself from somewhere else.  I mentioned this to my husband and he agreed with me.  After bowling we had lunch in a pub that was local to us.  Big Mistake, we have not been there without Hannah but everybody had already sat down in the conservatory where we always used to sit.  I arrived after everybody else and had to go back out and compose myself in the car.

We all ordered our food, (Hannah would have had Brewers Chicken).  I picked at mine, got the bill and went home.  

Bowling partners minus Hannah Banana and Aunty Ang behind the camera!

Missing his Big Sis...

Hannah's little brother Ben should have been joining Hannah this September at High School.  Hannah should have been going into Year 10 and had just confirmed her options.  She was taking History, French, RE and Media Studies and was predicted to be an A* pupil.  It is so sad that she won't be there with him.  Ben has been to his induction days where Hannah's friends have looked out for him (I am not sure how embarrassing this was for him, Hannah would have embarrassed him though anyway so it doesn't really matter!!) 

It was tough going to the High School to collect Ben and seeing all the children in the High School Uniforms.  A few parents of Hannah's friends that I didn't know very well came over to say how sorry they were.  I was touched by this because they didn't have to, then I realised that Hannah has been to their houses like their children had been to ours.  she was so polite and lovely, a genuine credit to us so I am not surprised parents came over, after all their children have lost a fantastic friend.  

Whilst Ben was at High school, to stop myself from thinking too much, I decided to dig around the house.  I've been through every cupboard and drawers trying to frantically find photo's, cards, pictures, anything related to Hannah that might help me remember something I haven't thought about yet, anything that will give me another happy memory to add to my book.

Under my bed I found all her work from Nursery and books from Primary School, I found cards with "I love you Mummy from Hannah", "I love you Phil", I found pictures that she had drawn of Phil, Me, Hannah and Ben.  Stick men pictures that make your heart just break.  I then came across Ben's school report from Year 2 when he joined Hannah in Junior school in Year 3.  The school report has a section where you can write what you are looking forward too and Ben has put "Seeing my big Sister Hannah".  Another heart breaking moment.

I also came across Hannah's last report from primary.  Hannah and Ben used to compare reports (very competitive!!) to see who was best and Ben always pipped her at the post, this year however I had a look at Ben's latest report and compared it to Hannah's year 6 report (that I found covered in dust under my bed).  Hannah's was better so she finally won!! She would have laughed because Ben got a C in singing and dancing whereas she got A's.

Hannah's Wood

I made a decision very early on that we would not have a memorial in a crematorium and we did not want anything in our local graveyard.  I just knew that I would struggle to visit Hannah in any of these places.  I don't associate any of these places with Hannah, my Mum has a memorial in the Crematorium and I don't visit because it doesn't make me feel better, or should I say I don't visit regularly, I visit every now and again because I feel guilty about not going but the fact of the matter is that my Mum lives on in me, in my mind and my heart and so will Han, the crematorium offers no comfort to me.   

I trawled the internet for ideas of what I could do for Hannah and found the Woodland Trust.  Our family spent a lot of time outdoors, walking, camping and generally having fun so this felt right.  We set up a page for Hannah to raise £3000 to dedicate an acre of a local wood to Hannah with a bench.  The money was raised within 48 hours and we proceeded to order the acre and the bench.

The first time Phil and I went to visit the wood it was raining and dull, I felt upset and I had a daft thought that Hannah would be lonely there.  Then I thought why would she be lonely because she won't be there.  If there is a chance of her being able to see what we are doing, she wouldn't be waiting in a wood.  She would be at home, at her friends houses, at her Grandma's and Grandad Johns.  She would be with Ben and with her Auntie's, Uncles and Cousins.

The second time we went to the wood it was a really nice day and we took the whole family along with us.  This brought the wood to life and I am happy with my choice now.  I like going to the wood, even though the bench won't be ready for another couple of months, I like going on my own with the Dogs and talking to myself.  I like shouting Hannah's name, I like hearing myself say Hannah like I used to when she was here, not just in a past tense of "do you remember when Hannah....."

The wood has come more alive over the last couple of weeks with loads of Rhododendrons, Fox Gloves, Water Lili's and loads of different shrubbery.  I have challenged myself to learn which trees are what and bushes etc.  I have seen a Woodpecker and my Brother in Law has seen a Barn Owl.

There are two ponds in the wood and one has a tree that has fallen across it.  Hannah would have loved to walk across that log.

There is a little country pub next to the wood that has gained a whole heap of new regulars, the beer is nice too, it also does a smashing Sunday Roast.

New Addition....

After reading some different blogs, I read something somewhere (I can't find it now) about a lady who lost her only child and could not have any other children.  Obviously she was heart broken (understatement, but I am tired of finding the words) and she bought a puppy to see if it would help, that way instead of mixing with all her friends with children the same age as her daughter, she would mix with dog people instead.  This got me thinking. We are all heartbroken, my husband, my son, my whole entire family, would a puppy give us a little focus. 

I said I wanted a Puppy as a distraction, this is unfair because he is more than that, he is our new family member and loved very, very much.  We picked him up on 1st June from a breeder in Rhyl and brought him to his new home at 8 weeks old. 

This is Humphrey Thomas-Jones, named after a big teddy bear that has lived on Hannah's bed since she was tiny, the teddy bear was given to Hannah for Christmas off Grandad John.  Ben was always jealous of Hannah's teddy to the extent that Grandad bought him one years later to stop him moaning and pinching Hannah's that lives on his bed .  Humphrey (the bear) is still on Hannah's bed and he has soaked up many tears over the last two months. 


You can see Rory, our little old man dog in the background.  He is 15 years old and I am sure that he misses Hannah.  He seems to look for her sometimes and has even scratched at her bedroom door.  Hannah loved Rory, she loved most animals and was the only one in a house full of boys that was not scared of spiders.

Humphrey is 13 weeks old now, he is brilliant.  When we brought him home it was the time I saw Ben smile properly.  When I say properly I mean with his eyes as well as his mouth.  Phil says that I haven't smiled properly yet, not like before, I can't imagine ever smiling like that again although I do strive to. He also makes us laugh, again, not like before but to hear Ben and Phil laughing is good.

What I love about having Humphrey around is that he doesn't let you just sit there.  You can be sat on the sofa crying your eyes out and look over and he is chewing a wire or pinching socks from the washing basket, this means you have to get off your ass and sort him out, sorting him out means chasing him into the garden because I think he thinks "NO" or "LEAVE" means run into the garden as quick as you can.