Which months will be worse....

I always thought that my worst months were going to be May and December.  May, because it will be Hannah’s anniversary, and December because it is Hannah’s Birthday and Christmas.  I’m not sure about this now though because every month is awful with painful things to face.

August was painful because we always had our family summer holidays in August.  These were always special no matter what we did.  After our holidays we always seemed to return refreshed and closer as a family, away from the madness and business of home, school and work we seemed to pull together and were hugely happy.  This August was nice but painful.

September.  It’s only the 9^th and it has already been tough, tough, tough!  The kids going back to school with the new school blazer and tie that came in this year. Taking Ben to buy the uniform without Hannah and dropping him off on his first day at High School without his doting big sister by his side.  Seeing Hannah’s friends walking dog’s on the park.  Hannah should be with them, with Rory, our dog by her side.  Its hell on earth, it really is. For the rest of the month I have to face Ben’s twelfth Birthday.  My Sister’s Birthday and my Dad’s 60^thBirthday all without our chicken and that’s only the occasions, not even including the day to day stuff.

October has no birthdays, no anniversaries, just life.  Just life going on as usual for the majority of people and it’s this that hurts more than all the birthdays, anniversaries and occasions.  It’s the everyday setting one less place at the table and not hanging her coat up that she’s thrown on the sofa.  It’s my GHD hair straighteners always being where I left them instead of under a pile of clothes in Hannah’s rubbish tip of a room.    It’s the “Mum, Can I sleep at Lucy’s? Can you drop me off? Pick me up? Give me some money?” It’s the smells, sounds and laughter. The house is full of people yet it feels so, so empty.  Then there is Halloween.  Last year I went to work dressed as a werewolf and she helped me make my costume whilst wearing a red wig with horns.  My gorgeous girl sat on my bed with me,ripping jeans up and colouring them in with a red felt tip!  I can see it so vividly and it hurts so much.

I just miss her so badly, I want to be able to say that I am feeling better, when I say better I just mean that after 4 and a half months, life is regaining some meaning.  Some days I do and I canenvisage a future.  Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and teeter on the edge of the big black pit of despair.  Every day I can function and pretend that I am okay.  I look after my family and they look after me.  I take Ben to football and school.  I go to work, walk the dogs.  I go out with friends, get pissed and laugh but everything is tainted and meaningless.  I have a hollow in my chest that I don’t think will ever shift and I’m not sure I want it to.

Asking for forgiveness...

I have had real issues with guilt and still feel guilty for a million different things. I understand this is a "stage" or part of the grieving "spiral" and have been looking for ways to help me try and work through some aspects of it.

One of the suggested ways is to sit opposite an empty chair and ask for forgiveness, talk to it like you are talking to the person you have lost! My house is too busy to be able to do that so I took Humphrey for a walk somewhere quiet and had a chat with him instead!

The thing is though, I know Hannah loved me and I know that she would not want me to be feeling and suffering like this. But. I also know that she was looking forward to so many things! She loved living, laughing and being alive, she would not have wanted to die so how can she forgive me?? How can she forgive that just one different decision in one of many choices could mean she would still be with us?

Too much has been taken away from her to say "never mind Mum, chin up and crack on with it"?

I know she will forgive me for missing her semi final at football and for working full time even though I could have spent more time at home. She would forgive me for not giving her enough spends and for not letting her sleep at Lucy's house on the Thursday! She would even forgive me for buying Humphrey when I said "no more pets"! Forgive me for her losing absolutely everything? I'm not so sure about that?

It does not consume me like it did but if I wake in the night it takes a long time to drop back off!

I just miss her all the time, it's been really bad this weekend, almost back to square one bad, possibly because Summer is now over.

Daft questions and unlikely support......

I have always been the sort of person to put others before myself.  I have caused myself problems and inconvenienced myself in the past and have cancelled plans, taken holidays from work, invited people on family holidays outings to accommodate, family and friends if they needed some support, a babysittter, company etc and looking back I have asked for very little back. 

Not anymore though and I know it is early days but I have finally learnt to say no!  I am finding missing Hannah exhausting and I have no time for anything else except ensuring my family are okay and keeping myself healthy enough to make sure my family are okay.  When I say family I mean my husband, son and step sons.  This might sound selfish, I know that my sisters, Dad and in laws are all hurting badly but they have each other and as much as I love them I just haven't got the energy to worry about them.

Grief itself is ultimately exhausting, I have cried that much I think my eyes might fall out, however what else is exhausting is other people!! The chatter, small talk of which I have very little interest.  I used to hate awkward silences but I can handle them now!

I have compiled a small list of awkward questions/ comments below that I have been asked since returning from holiday last Friday (a week ago), I have answered with what I would like to say but what I really said instead, I could do a whole years worth of Blogs on insensitive comments but I will keep it brief and only holiday related!

Q -Did you have a lovely time on your holiday?
A - Yes thanks.  It was absolutely flipping brilliant, we had so much fun, I thought I might keel over with joy!
A - It was a nice break thanks followed by swift walk away so as not to discuss the Mickey Mouse, Rollercoasters, long flight blah blah blah that I knew would have followed had I said "yes, did you?"

Q- Did you find it hard going back to Spain?
A - Nope, not at all.  Sitting round the table outside eating paella without Hannah was fine.  Wearing Hannah's googles in the pool whilst diving for pennies with Ben was really easy!  Playing crazy golf and getting to hole 8 that Hannah got a hole in one was great!
A- Yes, but I'm glad we did it, it was a nice break

Q- Did Ben find it hard on holiday without Hannah?
A- No, he loves being an only child on holiday and is now spoilt rotten!
A- Yes, he hides it well but he misses her like mad, especially when we went to the Grand Designs House and you could see he was lost. (person who asks questions looks uncomfortable followed by silence and awwww bless him)

On return in the pub

Q- I wasn't expecting you to be laughing???
A - What did you expect when I am in the pub with friends, that I sit there in the middle in a uncontrollable heap of sobbing on the floor with snot all over my face, I can if you want me to!  (this was my answer!)

The thing is, is that I know they mean well.  Before I lost Hannah I had never considered a bereaved parent.  I would never had any idea what to say or do!  I have been surprised at where my best support has come from!  One friend that I have not seen for nearly 2 years has text me every week whether I have replied or not.  I can't honestly say if I would have done the same.  Another friend's girlfriend has become one of my best most supportive friends.  We barely knew each other before and she has been a godsend!  I cannot thank her enough for the help and support, some people really are amazing!

Home at last...............

We arrived back from Spain.  I think 2 weeks was a bit too long really.  Next time I will do a week or 10 days. 

When we got back I didn't realise how desperate I was to actually get back.  I missed sitting in Hannah's room and smelling her clothes and looking at her things.  The jumpers, dressing gowns and coats on the back of her door still smell of Hannah slightly and although it sounds a bit crazy, I like wrapping my arms around all of them and giving them a big fat hug. 

I stayed in Hannah's room for a good hour when we got home and  sobbed on the floor.  I think this had been building up of the course of the week.  I still cry everyday but I try and restrain myself around people most of the time.  We did so many things in the last week that brought back memories of Hannah, I'm glad I had my sunglasses most days but I felt that I couldn't really let go during the week in front of everyone and I felt better from just "letting it all out" when I got back.  I sometimes wonder what people would think if they saw me in this state.  The very people who tell me "You're so brave" and "You're coping brilliantly" actually have no idea really, I can almost only accept any encouragement from other bereaved parents who actually get me.

I was talking to my brother in law on holiday and was talking about going back to work full time or for longer hours and he suggested that if we can live of what I am currently earning, why not use the extra time to try something new..  The more I think about this the more I like the idea.  I have never been a crafty person, I have done loads of crafty things with the kids (much to their amusement, Hannah inherited my naff at art gene) but I think I am going to try something new.  Work used to engage me and I loved my job but at the moment it feels so insignificant.

I will keep you posted.  There is a lady that offers a mosaic class, another that does quilting etc.....

Just please come back....

Ben has arrived with the rest of our family for the second week of our holiday in Spain. I am so glad he his here now because I've missed him and have been worried sick! The down side is that Ben being on holiday has made Hannah's absence more acute!

I think I was pretending they were both away in the first week but now Ben is here there is no hiding from the facts of our horrific situation. Hannah isn't coming......

We went to a good old fashioned fun fair yesterday! Hannah would have loved it! Hannah loved finding pennies in the pool with Ben! Hannah loved Mint Choc Chip ice cream like Ruan. Hannah fainted at the Go Karts last time but loved it the others! Hannah loved mini golf! Hannah hated Olives, Calimari and Pâté!! Hannah used to wave at the Spanish Bin Men! The list is endless!!

How are we supposed to process this?? How can I be here and she not? How can miss her so so much and still be surviving? I don't know is my answer but the pain is mental and physical and it really is shit!

I just want her back! That's all I want........ Come back Hannah............ Please???

Hannah and Ben......

I found a beach today in Spain that we haven't been to before. It is gorgeous, no sand, just big boulders to jump into the sea from and some nice hand rails bolted onto rocks to help you out!

It lead me to think Hannah and Ben would love this! (Ben is joining us next week). My point is that everything was "Hannah and Ben" like "Salt and Vineger" or "Batman and Robin"! How can I possibly just say "Ben will love this?" without Hannah automatically being part of the sentence? I mean she would have loved it so I can leave her in that scenario but there are others that I can't and it hurts!

I would say to Phil "did you get Han and Ben a drink?" Now it is just Ben and it is so so unfair! My little nephew would say "Where's Han and Ben?"

There are hundreds of families of 4 everywhere I look! Mum, Dad, Son and Daughter and none of them realise that even when Ben joins us next week we are incomplete! This hurts too!

Couples try and engage us with conversation but I can't be arsed with it just yet! I used to be sociable but I really just cannot be arsed one bit!

Despite all of this, I am having a nice time! It's boiling, the beach is nice, the pool is nice, the Wine, G&T's and Beer is nice but none of these things are as nice as they were when Hannah was here!

Our activity levels will move up a level on Thursday when Ben gets here with my Sister and her family! Water park, Banana Boats! We have to for Ben! These things will be tinged with sorrow as is everything we have done! My sun glasses will steam up from tears as they have everyday! But we will still have fun and enjoy it!

What's Hannah doing?

I came home from work yesterday at lunch time and pottered about cleaning etc like I always do to keep busy.  Ben was at his Grandma's and I was chatting with Phil about what to do for tea.  Ben always wants something different to what we have and lately I have been falling into the trap of letting him get his own way,  I don't know if this is because I want to take some of his pain away or am I just hugely grateful that he survived and want him to have everything he ever wants right now.

Whilst I was chatting to Phil I asked him what time Ben was due back, he said about 6ish and I said "What is Hannah doing?".  I instantaneously knew what I said and felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Sometimes life carries on and it seems like it was before.  The numbness takes over as if your body knows that you need a break from the awful, awful reality.

It's not the first time this has happened for all of us and it won't be the last.  We ordered a takeaway Pizza not long after we lost Hannah, I asked Ben what he would like and he said "Pepperoni"  I asked him if he wanted anything else and he said "we need to get a Margarita for Hannah".  Again, it was gut wrenching, the look on his face made me want to jump off the tallest building in the world.

We were looking at cars before all this happened and had a seven seater car planned with the idea of buying it when we got back from holiday.  We wanted a 7 seater to be able to take the kids out with friends etc without having to take two cars.  We also wanted to fit my Sister and Niece in when we went on our camping trips.  We were almost settled on a Ford Galaxy or a Renault Espace. Phil was looking through last week at the Galaxy's and Espace's and I gently said to him, "Do we still need a 7 seater?"  I don't know if we do anymore.

The boys are older now and doing driving lessons, they don't come on holiday with is unless it is abroad and paid for :)!  It's only Phil, Me, Ben and the dogs but I will let Phil decide on the car.

I have gone into Hannah's room on plenty of occasions to give her a kiss goodnight and she isn't there.......  I've waited in the morning for her to come in and give me a kiss before school but she won't ever again.....
I've left her lunch money on the TV but she hasn't taken it....
I've called her on her mobile, sent her texts and messages on Facebook but she doesn't answer.......

Hannah Banana in her fave Hollister Shirt!