Other peoples devastation...

Our Police Liaison Officer has been in touch with us a few times since everything happened. More recently to advise that all the papers had been sent in for the inquest and we could expect a date soon.

I'm dreading the inquest, I know what happened and I know how Hannah died, I don't know why it was only her except that she was sleeping the other way round and the concentration of gas could have been higher there.

The Police Liaison officer keeps asking us if we have discussed our statements with my two sisters and brother in law. We haven't...

At first I was in shock, then I wanted to deny anything had happened, I still do. Now however, I think I can't discuss it because I can't bare to witness their utter devastation of finding us all poisoned in our tent and of witnessing fellow campers and paramedics desperately, frantically try to save My, Our beloved Hannah.

My sister has said she is sorry that they didn't come in earlier to find us. How could she have possibly of known? She is devastated, as is my brother in law.

I am sorry that I bought the bastard BBQ the night before, sorry that I insisted in buying a tent with a sewn in frigging ground sheet!

My sister also had to phone my Dad to tell him that his super star Grand Daughter that he possibly loved more than any of us was gone!

Next was for the Police to visit Hannah's biological Dad and his parents. I struggle to visit Han's Grandma and Grandad because I can see the pain and sorrow all over their faces.

Is it guilt that makes others devastation too much for me to handle? Too much for me to deal with? Have others felt like this?

Its just so f*%*king s*%t.........

I have struggled to write lately because I feel so bad and for bereaved parents behind me I want to try and offer some hope but I am struggling.  Comparing myself now to the beginning I can really see how far I have come however I also know that I am a long, long way from seeing the point in anything.

I feel like I am down a well and can't get out.  Not quite in the pit but not far away.  I am so tired, in fact I am more than tired I am absolutely exhausted.   It is so difficult wearing a mask and I am finding it so hard to keep the mask on.  I used to work pretty much on my own, over the last month I have been training a team and I just can't block the conversations out! 

The chatter about poor little April Jones.  One of the team said "I don't know what I would do if it was Will,  I would die."  he didn't just finish there though he proceeded to go on and on about how upset he would be and how Will was his life and how he wouldn't be able to live without him and I just wanted to scream "FUCK OFF!!!!!"  YOU WOULD LIVE WITHOUT HIM BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE!!"  HAVE YOU FORGOT MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER DIED ONLY FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS AGO??????"

The things are less obvious "Did you watch that kid on American X factor doing LMFAO?" (That was the last album Hannah bought).  High five my mortgage has gone through!  (Hannah used to high five me and it drove me mad!!)  British Bake Off  (Hannah loved this and baking).

I just really, really, really, really miss my girl.  I want her back for Halloween and Bonfire Night,  I want her to be 15 on 2nd December.  I want her with me at Christmas and round at my Brother in Laws with me on New Years Eve.  I feel sick with dread at the start of each new day.  I try and be positive, I really do, I don't want to stay in this deep dark well but I just can't seem to pull myself out of it at the moment. 

I still cry most days and if I don't cry one day I get big headaches and cry more the next day.  I am starting to suffer with anxiety and dizzy spells when I am out.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  It is really bloody shit this new life!  Really, really shit!

How I was told my little girl was gone..

They told me Hannah had died in a tent adjacent to the tent that we had slept in.  At first I could not remember, I couldn’t remember anything from the morning except seeing Phil scratching the side of the tent.  It is now a memory burned into my consciousness that flashes at me and takes my breath away.  

I want to go back in time and react differently which is mad because of course if I could go back in time I would go that little bit further and change everything that happened, my little girl would still be here but obviously I can’t. 

These flashbacks appear at any time.  I can be driving my car down the road and it will all of a sudden consume me, I have been caught out at my desk, at the shops, it happens all the time like I am there all over again, like I am sat there with my oxygen mask on with a man who was not a paramedic, I think he was a fellow camper from another tent telling me to breathe and to keep my oxygen mask on.  

The paramedic comes into the tent and tells me Hannah has gone and I say okay?  He asks me if I understand that they could not save Hannah and she has died and I nodded again and whispered okay.  He says for the third time, “Mrs Jones, I am really sorry but your daughter has died are you sure you understand what I am saying” and I whisper “yes I do”.

Okay???????????? WHY did I say that?  Why did I whisper okay because it wasn’t okay?  It was as far from okay as it could really be? Okay? no it is not!  I can no longer say okay without being taken back to the worst moment of my life.  

A week before Hannah died we went for a big walk near where we live through a wood alongside the River Dean.  We followed the River all the way down to the Bollin valley where the Rover Dean meets with the River Bollin.  There is a big pipe that runs part of the way of the walk that is big enough to balance and walk on.  

We were walking on this pipe and I was walking behind Hannah but there was a bramble bush sitting over the pipe that we had to get past.  Hannah kept yelling and laughing because she was being prickled so I wimped out and jumped down, it is this vivid image of her being prickled and laughing that I focus on when having these flash backs.

Hannah following Phil on the pipe along the River Dean

I was taken to hospital in an ambulance with the blue lights on.  Phil had been taken in a separate ambulance but we were placed next to each other in A&E.  I was then told by a pediatrician that Ben had been taken in an air ambulance and was under sedation in intensive care, they said that they were doing everything they could but there was a chance he could have suffered from some damage to the brain of which they would not know until he woke up.  Thankfully he was okay.

Working with colleagues....

I was approached at work today and asked if I could do a Director a favour?  “Of course” I said, “What is it?”  He said “Such and such is having a really tough time because they have been dealing with all the complaints; they were off yesterday because they were so stressed out.  I think there may be issues at home too, would you mind supporting her and taking some of the more difficult queries to give her a break?”

Excuse me?  You want ME to support somebody else because they are having a rough ride?????? (Obviously I didn’t say that out loud just in my head) It’s only been five months!!!

The girl I am “supporting” is actually a lovely girl and she probably doesn’t know I have been asked to do this; she would more than likely be mortified if she knew. 

I don’t expect special treatment although I still finish at three rather than five (this is permanent although work do not know this yet!) but I get on with my work, have taken new responsibilities, have trained new staff of which I did not want to do because I don’t want to discuss my home life at work with people who do not know what has happened to me (this was obviously not considered when I was asked to do this).

I’ll be honest, I find work a distraction, it helps me to be there and be so busy.  I can switch off from my broken life for a few hours, I have some very good friends there but even though I don’t want to be mollycoddled I don’t want people to forget what has happened and I really think that I should have been the last person to be asked to be the “support”!

Part of the problem is that I cannot talk about Hannah at work yet, I cannot tell my colleagues how proud I am of her like I once did nearly everyday.  As soon as I reminisce about something we did or something she said I burst into tears so I don’t talk about her at all, or Phil or the boys for that matter (maybe out of guilt for not talking about Han) thinking about it I only talk about the dogs!!).  I keep my grief to myself which makes me think people have forgotten but they probably haven’t they just don’t know what else to do. 

I'm still alive after nearly 5 months of missing...............

I haven’t given my darling girl a kiss or a snuggle for nearly 5 months.  She hasn’t asked me for anything for nearly 5 months. Her voice was so husky and throaty and I haven’t heard it from her in person for 5 months.  That laugh that was so infectious, the breathy laugh or the high pitch squeal of laughter depending on what she was laughing at I am not going to hear it afresh ever again. 

I will never pick my chicken up from the roundabout at school covered in mud grinning in the rain after Hockey or Football.  I will never tell her off again for ringing me at work at 4 o’clock when it wasn’t an emergency to ask if she could eat the last Kit Kat from the cupboard or if she could bake a cake.  She will never organise my appointments to see all her teachers at parents evening and leave an hour between two of her teachers so we are there all flipping night. 

I will never again see that smiling face wearing a silly hat walking down our garden path, coming home from Chloe’s house.  Or see that exhilarated excited face when she skied her first Black Run in March this year,  I will never comfort her and tell her to swallow her pride when she falls out with her friends and it was her fault for overreacting.

I will never hear her alarm go off at six o’clock in the morning on a weekend because she forgot to turn it off in the week or see her at the top of the stairs in her chequered Pyjama bottoms asking how Ben went on at football the mornings that couldn’t be bothered getting up.  I’ll never get annoyed when she is at Lucy’s and I can’t get through to her mobile because the signal is rubbish. 

I will never hear her play the piano so beautifully or Angie singing along to post on YouTube.  I’ll never hear the foot pedal from the keyboard upstairs banging on the floor, driving me mad.  I’ll never tell her off for talking to Angie on Facetime at midnight.  I’ll never put sun cream on her shoulders on holiday.

I miss her so much. My lovely Hannah who did not deserve this.

How has nearly 5 months passed and how on earth could I have survived this, how can I adjust my life to fit around this?

Hannah Thomas-Jones, Saalbach, March 2012

Hannah's bench in Hannah's Wood.....

Hannah's bench was installed in Hannah's wood last week.  It should have been installed before the end of August but I didn't push The Woodland Trust because to be honest I'm not actually sure that I wanted it to be installed yet.  It is a lovely bench but it serves as a reminder in writing of everything that we have lost, it's like a confirmation and there is no getting away from it.

I have been in a dark place this weekend which has been difficult because we have had relatives staying.  The brave face has been on, the I'm doing okay face and just getting on with it face, but inside is different.  I am getting good at this acting palaver, my pointless GSCE in Drama was not pointless after all. 

I feel a bit like I am back at square one, sobbing in Hannah's room and so angry.  I have spent most of the weekend wanting to join Hannah but I know that I can't and the enduring is so difficult and exhausting.  I am so tired.  Phil and I have had such a solid relationship for so long and love each other so much but even this feels shaky at the moment, I can't even say why but I think it is probably down to me shutting everyone out.

I have been to Hannah's Wood to see the bench, I go there a lot on my own with the Dog's or with Phil and Ben.  Because the bench has been installed this week there will have been a lot of visitors to the wood so I have avoided going because I don't want to bump into anyone there. I don't know why, I don't like seeing other people in the wood but I want everybody to go just not when I am there!

It is also my Dad's 60th birthday today.  We have been for a meal together, all the family, my two sister's, Niece and Nephew.  There was an empty space at the table to match the empty hole in my heart.  We went for a meal near Hannah's wood at a lovely little pub, the plan being that we would go to the wood afterwards but I couldn't face it.  I've realised all of a sudden that I cannot bare to see my family's pain at the wood and that is why I didn't go. 

I know my Dad is heart broken, he cried in the pub when he opened his Birthday Card.  I know my sister is devastated because she cried at my house in the Kitchen last night.  My other sister cried with me on Friday night but I don't want to see them crying in the wood and I don't want them to see me crying in the wood.  I can't comfort them you see because I can't change anything and I am using all my energy to keep myself together, I don't want them to try and comfort me with hugs because I end up comforting them instead. 

I feel like everything is so shit at the moment.  The world keeps going yet my world has stopped.  I just want to get off......

Celebrating Ben's birthday...

I sat and wrapped Ben's birthday presents on Sunday in floods of tears! How could I have been wrapping these without Hannah? How could Ben be getting up the morning of his twelfth birthday and not waking Hannah up before waking us up to open his presents? This should be a happy time but it's not, it's actually really s**t!

As usual now in my new life I reached out to some remarkable people, other bereaved parents who are travelling beside me on my hellish road! I reach out to my new friends for help, support and guidance. I don't know if I could have climbed up from rock bottom on some days without them! This day on Sunday (and Ben's Birthday on Monday) I knew my hand was being held and I was offered some good advice!

The best advice was "do it differently!"! I wish I had expressed my feelings earlier because it was 10 o'clock at night and Ben's birthday was the next day and I didn't have time to do or organise anything really different but I tried and it helped!

Ben opened his presents on our bed instead of downstairs and we had breakfast in bed! After school we went to Pizza Express instead of a tea party at home! Not a huge difference but different enough! I cried more the day before than the day after and I think the build up is worse than the day itself!

All in all it was a nice day! It had to be for Ben, it is the least he deserves my lovely brave boy! My brave boy who said to me at bed time he would never have Birthdays or Christmas ever again if we could have Hannah back!