Feeling decidedly positive!

Well.. after an unsurprisingly shit month I am feeling decidedly positive and can't believe the difference between how I feel at the moment to how I felt literally this time last month.  Dealing with losing Hannah is like a roller coaster ride at times.

A chance conversation at work has led to me signing up to a challenge to cycle 500km across Costa Rica in memory of my precious girl.  I feel so motivated about it, the training is immense and I am loving it already.  I can feel the weight literally dropping off me thank god because I have been piling it on, comfort eating.  The positive focus is reaching to other parts of my life too.  I love my job, my colleagues, my friends and my family. 

If Hannah was here I would have a perfect life, I'll never ever have a perfect life but I am slowly beginning to realise that I can actually still have a life, not exactly the one I wanted and I would never in a million years choose it but I can still do it, just different!

There have been other improvements too.  I have found that I am not forcing myself to go out, I actually want to go out and I'm enjoying it.  I mentioned Hannah's name at work (which I never do out of self preservation) and managed it without sobbing my heart out.  We had family over for Sunday Lunch which we haven't done since and it was nice.

Here is a link to my page for Hannah.

http://www.justgiving.com/Danielle-Jones9

September has been a really tough month. 

I haven't really "done" any Birthdays since Hannah left us, I haven't bought anyone a card, only Ben because it would be unfair on him if I didn't, but I have barely acknowledged anyone else's birthdays.  I hope they can try to understand how difficult birthdays are, another sign that life continues regardless of everything.

September has been tough because my sister turned 40.  We went away for an activity weekend doing Go Ape and the Forest Segways at Delamere.  Han would be 16 in September so she would most definitely have been there with us and she would have loved it.  I like getting away from it all, especially doing activities because I can enjoy things now (which I didn't think I would ever again), I enjoy getting away from home and things....this time was different though, I enjoyed it but our family isn't the same as it was and relationships are strained to breaking point (as most bereaved families are).

My stepson Ryan has also turned 21 so we had a big family meal last night to celebrate which was lovely.  Most of the family were there and we laughed and joked and I managed to talk about Hannah with my Brother in Law.  I spoke to my Dad on the phone this morning on the way to work, I mentioned that she was missing and that was it, tears all the way to work.  My colleagues probably thought I was hungover rather than devastated, I think they have forgot.  It is fine them forgetting because I use work to forget so it suits.

Ben is 13 on Tuesday, he's catching Hannah up.  When he was little he used to ask if he was nearly older than Hannah because he had a Birthday.  I never thought that one day he would be.  I don't know how I am going to cope when he is 14 and then 15 although I suppose I will cope in the same way I always do, by just doing it then wondering how I did it?

Finally it's my Dad's birthday.  He hates his birthday as much as I hate mine.

Bring on October.  A month of just a month and just living, if Han was younger I might have thought about halloween, all those lovely halloween nights counting sweets on the living room floor.

Then November, bonfire night number 2 without Han, we love bonfire night and the last one was spent at the scout hut winning loads of really bad prizes on the tombola and then laughing at who we were going to wrap them up for for Christmas.

Then December, awful, sad, sorry December when Han should be 16, when we should put up our Christmas Tree together.  When we should get up and pretend Father Christmas has been even though we are all too old.  We should be booking our ski trip instead of Phil going on his own.  When we go to Phil's brothers for New Year and cry because we are into 2014 and Hannah wasn't part of "last year".

September is tough and the only person in my life who realises how tough it is, is Phil.  We'll just crack on with it though as usual and keep going, trying to learn to live a new life and eventually we'll enjoy it, more than not enjoying it.

Hannah Banana coming off a Banana boat!! xx

Hard Work

I don't want to sound morbid but I feel worse than ever.  The shock is wearing off and everyone thinks I'm okay now, even family but I'm not.  I went through a phase where I felt I could do this, I could survive but I'm fighting the urge to join my beautiful girl daily, I could tell you a million ways to do it but I won't do it, I will battle on and endure this existence.

To my bereaved friends I'm newly bereaved, at 15 months, I'm an old timer to old friends and family. I feel that some people that were great initially have now distanced themselves to get on with their own lives, I suppose that is fair, if only people knew what was going on beneath this mask of coping?

The shock is wearing off and reality is really fucking painful!  Really, really painful.  I just want my girl back!  I'm sick of fucking "likes" and "hugs" and kisses from people that I am inconveniencing with my morbid posts on Facebook but I want them to think of her, my beautiful girl!  I get the "we're always thinking of her" and I think "bollocks, you're not!"  "You're not thinking of us either because you haven't been in touch other than "like" and "hugs"".

My life is a sack of shit!  I'm trying, I really am, I'm doing well at work, I laugh and smile but really it's really fucking shit and I miss her so much, so so much.  A big part of me is missing that won't ever come back!  A hole where my heart was, a constant ache in my chest.  I feel sick with it and pray for some Devine intervention,

Dear God, please spare a good person with a nice life and take me instead, if you must take someone, let it be me.

Shitty shit shit shit!

I haven't written on here for a while, in fact since I last wrote I have survived Christmas, New Year, Pancake Day, our Wedding Anniversary and Mothers Day.  The first anniversary is now looming and I hate it, I am dreading it.  Coming up we have three weddings and a 30th Birthday party and I just can't be arsed but I will go because I need to make an effort.  If I don't make an effort I wouldn't do anything. 

I am back at work full time and it helps me to focus.  It is the only place where I can think straight and hold a sensible conversation, everywhere else I feel distracted but it's obvious why.  Every second thought is of my beautiful Hannah. I start to talk and forget what I am talking about, poor Phil must think I'm going slightly mad, although admittedly this only shows with Phil, everywhere else my mask is glued on!!

I have piled on weight but can't motivate myself to lose it.....  Perhaps I might die sooner if I carry on piling on the weight!! Now I know that is dark humour and I don't necessarily mean it however I won't lie.  If I was to be told that I was terminally ill right now, I would only be bothered because of the family I would leave behind.  I don't feel any better, the only thing that has changed between the shittiest day of my life in May to today is that my capacity to cope and carry this unbearable sadness has increased.  I read a post about grief being like a backpack, I can't find it now and didn't get it when I first read but I do now, I'm slowly learning how to carry mine.  If anyone has a link to this I would appreciate it.

I cannot believe it is now 10 and a bit months since I saw and smelt and laughed and hugged and kissed my chicken?  I watch my son grow taller, turning into a young man and it breaks my heart that Hannah isn't here to share it.  I see Hannah's friends in Wilmslow and I feel like I am being stabbed through the heart.  I am sorry that this post is a shit one.  Life is shit.  We have been handed a life sentence and it is massively shit.

LIFE IS SHIT!  It used to be almost perfect, perfect enough for me but now...............

Christmas shopping...

Hannah has a younger brother Ben who is 12 and two older Brothers, Ryan 20 and Lee 18.  I have been trying to buy Christmas Presents for them for the past 2 weeks but I just can't do it.   I can't see anything that I think they would like and my enthusiasm is not there.

I have been to the Trafford Centre, Manchester, John Lewis, Superdry, Bank, Debenhams, Selfridges, Hollister, Crew, Fat Face, Joules, Sports Direct, Comet.  I've been bloody everywhere and bought absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  Actually I am lying.  I have bought three footballs and two pairs of gloves but that's not exactly a great Christmas is it? 

My heart just isn't in it at all.  I am trying my best, we even went to Manchester, to the Christmas Markets and wore Christmas Jumpers to fool our friends and family into thinking we were more okay than we were, whilst looking on all the stalls for things that Hannah would have liked!

We are actually escaping to Keswick this Christmas on our own, without the boys.  Ben is going to his Dad's and the older boys are going to Phil's sisters.  I couldn't even book that.  It is like I cannot acknowledge  anything in the future because I can't bare to think of it without Hannah in it.  This leaves poor Phil taking over a whole heap of responsibility for our future because I was the planner.  I planned our holidays, days out, Birthdays, Christmas and I now find that I can't.

Happy Days at Southern Down Beach

Perfect Day..,

This was the title of the song that was number one the day Hannah was born. It was the Children in need single rather than the Lou Reed version but I listen to the Lou Reed version more often.

I love this song because it was a perfect day when she was born. A short 7 hour labour followed by an easy delivery and she was here, all 6 pound 61/2 of her. She was born at 9.50pm also known as cowboy time according to proud Granddad John (10 to 10).

The song mentions drinking Sangria in the park. Obviously Hannah didn't drink Sangria on the park but she did try it in a Chinese restaurant in Spain. She also served us our Sangria on the beach when we went to watch a fabulous Fiesta where the kids received Melons, flowers and all types of fruit from the various floats that rode past.

Feed animals in the Zoo. We fed giraffes and camels and Han nearly jumped out of her skin when the giraffe bent over to sniff her! They then swam with Sea Lions who gave big smackers kisses out that virtually pushed Hannah across the swimming pool!

A movie too. We loved the cinema, one of my most vivid memories was of being stood with a young Han waiting for Ben and Phil to buy the tickets. Ben flew from nowhere and rugby tackled Hannah to the floor in the foyer! He took us by such surprise that I burst out laughing and Han sat there looking slightly annoyed waiting for the moment she could get her little brother back!

And then home. Home sweet home, once full of fun and laughter. Of board games and baking. Of reading and dancing. Of Nintendo Wii and mini arguments and bickering. Full of the smell of perfume and body spray. Waiting for ages for the bathroom! Hunting down my hair straighteners and hair dryer. The sound of the piano and the piano pedal banging on the floor.

Those were perfect days, and I am glad I spent them with Hannah and I often sing this song loudly (maybe slightly out of tune) in my car, at the top of my voice, crying.

Now it feels like silence and it surrounds me....and I hate.

Getting on with things...

I've not written for a while because I haven't felt the need to really.  I have found that my interest in things changes all the time.  I find something that I think helps and launch myself into it full pelt only to find that it only helps for a little while then I need to think of something else.  For instance I have taken up sewing and have been making cushions, hats, bunting etc.  I like doing it but I keep hitting that bloody brick wall of just what is the frigging point?  It used to take me three days to read a book, now it takes me three weeks?

I think I must be hitting the depression part of my grief (I need to look into this more because I am remembering a bit about a book I read months ago).  I am struggling to get up and get my arse to work some days which is unusual because I have found work and keeping busy helpful.  Loud noises really irritate me and frustrate me, things like the dog barking or Phil shouting (not at me, normally at an inanimate ibject that is not performing its task properly).

To be fair we have just muddled out way through Hannah's 15th Birthday.  We met up with family and friends and planted daffodils in our local park which was nice (I pinched the idea from Linda, gorgeous Gregor's Mum).  I am glad we did it rather than stayed at home.  Later on when it got dark we let off Chinese lanterns (environmentally friendly bamboo ones), 15 of them.  It was a sad day but it was okay.  I have struggled with the aftermath though.  I have been exhausted this week and very short tempered but I am still here which is good.

I have decided to put a Christmas Tree up this coming weekend which will be tough but it has to be done for Ben and for me.  Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year. I want it to be Ben's too so it has to be done!

The photo below was taken over New Year in 2010.  We were on a ferry from St Mawes to Falmouth and were acting out Jack & Rose on the Titanic.  I look back and miss her so much that I cannot contemplate looking forwards.....

I miss you with every breath I take my little chicken xxxxx

Hannah Thomas-Jones and me on a Ferry St Mawes to Falmouth, New Year 2010