Looking back on the very first early days without my cherished daughter..

It is really difficult to recall the feelings from the first couple of weeks because I felt like I was in a bubble.  It was almost as though I was watching this horror happening to another family.  I completely functioned on auto pilot and my sister's and the police informed relatives and friends about what had happened.  I cannot physically  bring myself to go over exactly what happened on the day yet.  I am just not mentally strong enough to put this into words, I will be eventually but not just yet.

In these early days, I arranged a funeral, I wrote a tribute to Hannah to read out at the funeral, I set up a fund on the Woodlands Trust website to raise money to dedicate an acre of a local wood to Hannah with a Bench.  The money was raised immediately for this so I asked a family member to set up another fund on the Midlands Air Ambulance website. All this was completely on auto pilot, numb, I scared myself by how I was coping and worried that people would think I didn't care. I don't know how I did it although i am finding now that I still need to be busy and have a focus.

On day 11 I wrote the following in by notebook:

"I had to go shopping today for my funeral outfit.  I cannot believe I am going shopping for my 14 year old daughter's funeral.  The funeral is tomorrow, I've spent the whole week organizing it.  People are saying I am strong.  I don't feel strong.  Practical stuff helps because I have to do it.  all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry.  How can I ever contemplate life without you? As a family we are a 6 not a 5!  You and Ben are like peas in a pod."

Hannah & Ben in the Holly Bush in Beer Garden Hay on Wye 2009