I haven't really "done" any Birthdays since Hannah left us, I haven't bought anyone a card, only Ben because it would be unfair on him if I didn't, but I have barely acknowledged anyone else's birthdays. I hope they can try to understand how difficult birthdays are, another sign that life continues regardless of everything.
September has been tough because my sister turned 40. We went away for an activity weekend doing Go Ape and the Forest Segways at Delamere. Han would be 16 in September so she would most definitely have been there with us and she would have loved it. I like getting away from it all, especially doing activities because I can enjoy things now (which I didn't think I would ever again), I enjoy getting away from home and things....this time was different though, I enjoyed it but our family isn't the same as it was and relationships are strained to breaking point (as most bereaved families are).
My stepson Ryan has also turned 21 so we had a big family meal last night to celebrate which was lovely. Most of the family were there and we laughed and joked and I managed to talk about Hannah with my Brother in Law. I spoke to my Dad on the phone this morning on the way to work, I mentioned that she was missing and that was it, tears all the way to work. My colleagues probably thought I was hungover rather than devastated, I think they have forgot. It is fine them forgetting because I use work to forget so it suits.
Ben is 13 on Tuesday, he's catching Hannah up. When he was little he used to ask if he was nearly older than Hannah because he had a Birthday. I never thought that one day he would be. I don't know how I am going to cope when he is 14 and then 15 although I suppose I will cope in the same way I always do, by just doing it then wondering how I did it?
Finally it's my Dad's birthday. He hates his birthday as much as I hate mine.
Bring on October. A month of just a month and just living, if Han was younger I might have thought about halloween, all those lovely halloween nights counting sweets on the living room floor.
Then November, bonfire night number 2 without Han, we love bonfire night and the last one was spent at the scout hut winning loads of really bad prizes on the tombola and then laughing at who we were going to wrap them up for for Christmas.
Then December, awful, sad, sorry December when Han should be 16, when we should put up our Christmas Tree together. When we should get up and pretend Father Christmas has been even though we are all too old. We should be booking our ski trip instead of Phil going on his own. When we go to Phil's brothers for New Year and cry because we are into 2014 and Hannah wasn't part of "last year".
September is tough and the only person in my life who realises how tough it is, is Phil. We'll just crack on with it though as usual and keep going, trying to learn to live a new life and eventually we'll enjoy it, more than not enjoying it.
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| Hannah Banana coming off a Banana boat!! xx |
