Daft questions and unlikely support......

I have always been the sort of person to put others before myself.  I have caused myself problems and inconvenienced myself in the past and have cancelled plans, taken holidays from work, invited people on family holidays outings to accommodate, family and friends if they needed some support, a babysittter, company etc and looking back I have asked for very little back. 

Not anymore though and I know it is early days but I have finally learnt to say no!  I am finding missing Hannah exhausting and I have no time for anything else except ensuring my family are okay and keeping myself healthy enough to make sure my family are okay.  When I say family I mean my husband, son and step sons.  This might sound selfish, I know that my sisters, Dad and in laws are all hurting badly but they have each other and as much as I love them I just haven't got the energy to worry about them.

Grief itself is ultimately exhausting, I have cried that much I think my eyes might fall out, however what else is exhausting is other people!! The chatter, small talk of which I have very little interest.  I used to hate awkward silences but I can handle them now!

I have compiled a small list of awkward questions/ comments below that I have been asked since returning from holiday last Friday (a week ago), I have answered with what I would like to say but what I really said instead, I could do a whole years worth of Blogs on insensitive comments but I will keep it brief and only holiday related!

Q -Did you have a lovely time on your holiday?
A - Yes thanks.  It was absolutely flipping brilliant, we had so much fun, I thought I might keel over with joy!
A - It was a nice break thanks followed by swift walk away so as not to discuss the Mickey Mouse, Rollercoasters, long flight blah blah blah that I knew would have followed had I said "yes, did you?"

Q- Did you find it hard going back to Spain?
A - Nope, not at all.  Sitting round the table outside eating paella without Hannah was fine.  Wearing Hannah's googles in the pool whilst diving for pennies with Ben was really easy!  Playing crazy golf and getting to hole 8 that Hannah got a hole in one was great!
A- Yes, but I'm glad we did it, it was a nice break

Q- Did Ben find it hard on holiday without Hannah?
A- No, he loves being an only child on holiday and is now spoilt rotten!
A- Yes, he hides it well but he misses her like mad, especially when we went to the Grand Designs House and you could see he was lost. (person who asks questions looks uncomfortable followed by silence and awwww bless him)

On return in the pub

Q- I wasn't expecting you to be laughing???
A - What did you expect when I am in the pub with friends, that I sit there in the middle in a uncontrollable heap of sobbing on the floor with snot all over my face, I can if you want me to!  (this was my answer!)

The thing is, is that I know they mean well.  Before I lost Hannah I had never considered a bereaved parent.  I would never had any idea what to say or do!  I have been surprised at where my best support has come from!  One friend that I have not seen for nearly 2 years has text me every week whether I have replied or not.  I can't honestly say if I would have done the same.  Another friend's girlfriend has become one of my best most supportive friends.  We barely knew each other before and she has been a godsend!  I cannot thank her enough for the help and support, some people really are amazing!

Home at last...............

We arrived back from Spain.  I think 2 weeks was a bit too long really.  Next time I will do a week or 10 days. 

When we got back I didn't realise how desperate I was to actually get back.  I missed sitting in Hannah's room and smelling her clothes and looking at her things.  The jumpers, dressing gowns and coats on the back of her door still smell of Hannah slightly and although it sounds a bit crazy, I like wrapping my arms around all of them and giving them a big fat hug. 

I stayed in Hannah's room for a good hour when we got home and  sobbed on the floor.  I think this had been building up of the course of the week.  I still cry everyday but I try and restrain myself around people most of the time.  We did so many things in the last week that brought back memories of Hannah, I'm glad I had my sunglasses most days but I felt that I couldn't really let go during the week in front of everyone and I felt better from just "letting it all out" when I got back.  I sometimes wonder what people would think if they saw me in this state.  The very people who tell me "You're so brave" and "You're coping brilliantly" actually have no idea really, I can almost only accept any encouragement from other bereaved parents who actually get me.

I was talking to my brother in law on holiday and was talking about going back to work full time or for longer hours and he suggested that if we can live of what I am currently earning, why not use the extra time to try something new..  The more I think about this the more I like the idea.  I have never been a crafty person, I have done loads of crafty things with the kids (much to their amusement, Hannah inherited my naff at art gene) but I think I am going to try something new.  Work used to engage me and I loved my job but at the moment it feels so insignificant.

I will keep you posted.  There is a lady that offers a mosaic class, another that does quilting etc.....

Just please come back....

Ben has arrived with the rest of our family for the second week of our holiday in Spain. I am so glad he his here now because I've missed him and have been worried sick! The down side is that Ben being on holiday has made Hannah's absence more acute!

I think I was pretending they were both away in the first week but now Ben is here there is no hiding from the facts of our horrific situation. Hannah isn't coming......

We went to a good old fashioned fun fair yesterday! Hannah would have loved it! Hannah loved finding pennies in the pool with Ben! Hannah loved Mint Choc Chip ice cream like Ruan. Hannah fainted at the Go Karts last time but loved it the others! Hannah loved mini golf! Hannah hated Olives, Calimari and Pâté!! Hannah used to wave at the Spanish Bin Men! The list is endless!!

How are we supposed to process this?? How can I be here and she not? How can miss her so so much and still be surviving? I don't know is my answer but the pain is mental and physical and it really is shit!

I just want her back! That's all I want........ Come back Hannah............ Please???

Hannah and Ben......

I found a beach today in Spain that we haven't been to before. It is gorgeous, no sand, just big boulders to jump into the sea from and some nice hand rails bolted onto rocks to help you out!

It lead me to think Hannah and Ben would love this! (Ben is joining us next week). My point is that everything was "Hannah and Ben" like "Salt and Vineger" or "Batman and Robin"! How can I possibly just say "Ben will love this?" without Hannah automatically being part of the sentence? I mean she would have loved it so I can leave her in that scenario but there are others that I can't and it hurts!

I would say to Phil "did you get Han and Ben a drink?" Now it is just Ben and it is so so unfair! My little nephew would say "Where's Han and Ben?"

There are hundreds of families of 4 everywhere I look! Mum, Dad, Son and Daughter and none of them realise that even when Ben joins us next week we are incomplete! This hurts too!

Couples try and engage us with conversation but I can't be arsed with it just yet! I used to be sociable but I really just cannot be arsed one bit!

Despite all of this, I am having a nice time! It's boiling, the beach is nice, the pool is nice, the Wine, G&T's and Beer is nice but none of these things are as nice as they were when Hannah was here!

Our activity levels will move up a level on Thursday when Ben gets here with my Sister and her family! Water park, Banana Boats! We have to for Ben! These things will be tinged with sorrow as is everything we have done! My sun glasses will steam up from tears as they have everyday! But we will still have fun and enjoy it!

What's Hannah doing?

I came home from work yesterday at lunch time and pottered about cleaning etc like I always do to keep busy.  Ben was at his Grandma's and I was chatting with Phil about what to do for tea.  Ben always wants something different to what we have and lately I have been falling into the trap of letting him get his own way,  I don't know if this is because I want to take some of his pain away or am I just hugely grateful that he survived and want him to have everything he ever wants right now.

Whilst I was chatting to Phil I asked him what time Ben was due back, he said about 6ish and I said "What is Hannah doing?".  I instantaneously knew what I said and felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Sometimes life carries on and it seems like it was before.  The numbness takes over as if your body knows that you need a break from the awful, awful reality.

It's not the first time this has happened for all of us and it won't be the last.  We ordered a takeaway Pizza not long after we lost Hannah, I asked Ben what he would like and he said "Pepperoni"  I asked him if he wanted anything else and he said "we need to get a Margarita for Hannah".  Again, it was gut wrenching, the look on his face made me want to jump off the tallest building in the world.

We were looking at cars before all this happened and had a seven seater car planned with the idea of buying it when we got back from holiday.  We wanted a 7 seater to be able to take the kids out with friends etc without having to take two cars.  We also wanted to fit my Sister and Niece in when we went on our camping trips.  We were almost settled on a Ford Galaxy or a Renault Espace. Phil was looking through last week at the Galaxy's and Espace's and I gently said to him, "Do we still need a 7 seater?"  I don't know if we do anymore.

The boys are older now and doing driving lessons, they don't come on holiday with is unless it is abroad and paid for :)!  It's only Phil, Me, Ben and the dogs but I will let Phil decide on the car.

I have gone into Hannah's room on plenty of occasions to give her a kiss goodnight and she isn't there.......  I've waited in the morning for her to come in and give me a kiss before school but she won't ever again.....
I've left her lunch money on the TV but she hasn't taken it....
I've called her on her mobile, sent her texts and messages on Facebook but she doesn't answer.......

Hannah Banana in her fave Hollister Shirt!

Booking a Summer holiday.......

At first, going on holiday ever again seemed absolutely impossible.  The thought of going anywhere without Hannah was absolutely heart breaking,  There was just no way that we could ever do those things again.  Holidays were a big part of our lives.  It was what I worked so hard for, the holidays we have had have been brilliant from camping in a bog standard farmers field to Skiing in the Austrian Alps, it was only the last holiday we had that was absolutely shit.

Then after a couple of months had passed and the holiday we had originally planned to take with Hannah was looming, we decided that we would like a break and some sunshine but more importantly, our youngest son needed the break and a bit of normality (if that is what you call it). 

We weren't sure what to do because normally in the summer we would drive through France to Spain to my Brother in Law's villa, stopping when we were tired and throwing our tent up.  I wasn't sure if I could face the Villa and I certainly will never ever camp again but after a long chat we decided that Spain was like a home from home.  How could we possibly feel any worse than we did anyway, we might as well be warm and have a swimming pool and feel like crap, than be sat in rainy Manchester.

We invited my Sister, her Husband and my nephew along for the second week so the plan is my son is going to South Wales for the first week with Grandparents and Phil and I are flying to Spain to face the Villa on our own.  We will collect everyone from the airport in the second week (including my son who is flying with my sister) and we will take them to the fab places we have discovered as a family over the past 5 years. 

We will talk, laugh and cry about Hannah and remember all things she loved, how she could never dive into the pool and held her nose when she jumped in.  How she refused to go on the massive slide but loved the wide blue ones at the water park.  How she ordered a Turkey Baguette from the Baguette shop and me constantly telling her to pull her bikini bottoms up due to a builders bum.  How she did the walk like an Egyptian dance in the Irish bar and when the cat bit her finger at the Italian restaurant in the village.

We will miss her every second and I am dreading it but like Fiona said about her holiday, I am looking forward to getting it done and I know that I will enjoy some of it, it will also help my son hugely.

Hannah and Phil on the Ringo's on holiday August 2010