Collecting Hannah's Ashes....

Every bereaved parent will tell you that they have suffered with some aspect of guilt.  I suffer with guilt for a whole host of reasons although it no longer is all consuming like it was a couple of weeks ago.

One aspect of my guilt was because I had not collected Hannah's ashes from the funeral directors.  I felt that I was letting her down by leaving them there but until this week I had not felt able to go and had no idea what I wanted to do with them.

Last Thursday I decided that nothing could possibly be worse that what we had already been through, I just needed to collect her and bring her home so I could stop worrying about it.  I contacted the funeral director and asked them when I could go over and they said anytime.  It suddenly dawned on me that they probably would be kept in a horrible container and I would need to choose a casket or urn (still not sure of the difference).  I could not bear to see what they had come back from the crem in.

I chose a hand made willow urn because it would have been something that Hannah would have chosen, this was ready on Friday which meant that we could collect Hannah on Friday........

I went to work in the morning, then straight from work my husband picked me up and we went over to collect her.  I thought I could hold myself together but as I sat in the reception area of the funeral director's, the enormity and finality of what we had done hit me like a sledge hammer.  Hannah was physically no longer here on this earth, we had cremated her and all that was left was a Willow basket of ashes.  I cried and sobbed and cried.

I carried her home on my lap and didn't realise how tight a grip I had until I got out of the car and my fingers were aching.  I had a vision of Phil braking really hard and of us being covered in Hannah's ashes.  I know that this moment is not in anyway funny but I had to stifle a nervous giggle because if that had happened Hannah would have rolled around on the floor laughing, we were so so alike with our inappropriate laughter.

Hannah's ashes are now in her room at home next to her iphone4 and her laptop.  I am still not sure what we want to do yet.  I thought I would not like Hannah's ashes in the house and it would be strange but it's not so I am going to wait until something feels right.  I am however going to buy a Memory Bear and put a small amount of her ashes in it so she can come on holidays with us.  Ben likes this idea and he wants to take her on all the Roller Coasters she refused to go on, starting with Oblivion in Alton Towers.  She would like this idea although she would want to get her own back eventually.

It has been a terrible weekend with even more tears than normal if that is possible but I feel better for having her home.

Ben, Hannah, Phil and Me on the wettest ride ever at Alton Towers

This website was recommended to me by another parent for Hannah's memory bear, there are also some other lovely memorials on here Memory Bears and Boxes

What am I doing?

In the past couple of months I have bought a pair of grey Converse trainers the same as Hannah's.  I wear them all the time, even to work although I take them off and put some shoes on for in the actual office.  The shoes I put on in the office are red leather shoes bought because Hannah has a pair of red Vans and even though I know she would not have liked them, I like them because they are red like Hannah's Vans.

I have bought a Superdry top that I wear because she would have liked it.   I have bought the same Hollister Sadie perfume as Hannah's so I can smell her perfume all the time, her perfume bottle is still on her bed side table and the same soap and glory body butter that she got for Christmas.

My two lovely sisters both bought me charm bracelets.  One is a Thomas Sabo bracelet in black, Les said Hannah loved hers which was exactly the same as mine and kept dropping subtle hints to her.  Les wanted  Hannah to have the bracelet after she died and she was cremated with the bracelet on, I have a matching one with a charm of two interlinked hearts that I see as Hannah's and mine.  I also have a big shiny H charm, obviously H for Hannah! 

The other bracelet is a Pandora which is an ongoing story.  I have a heart on there (Hannah's) that was bought by my other sister Ang as part of a pair.  The other heart was in the pocket of her treasured Superdry shirt that she wore for her funeral, along with her Holister Chino's and Red Vans.  There is also a H for Hannah, a sparkly football that Ben bought me for my Birthday to remember that Hannah won the Cheshire cup with her school football team only a week before.  There is a study book charm to remind me that Hannah was working really hard for her RE GCSE and her end of year exams.  There is also a Music note charm because I loved her playing the Piano and she was just short of taking her grade 4 exam. I am going to by a cupcake charm next because Hannah LOVES cakes.

I have also had a tattoo of Hannah's name on my back with a picture of a Bee and will be getting another one on my wrist of a music note.  

Hannah Planking in the Pennines near Bollington with her Red Vans and Hollister Chinos

What next?.....................

Anniversary....

On Monday it will be fifteen years since we said goodbye to our lovely Mum.  I never had to count how many years it was because I was pregnant with Hannah when she died and I always knew that on the 23rd July it would be the same amount of years as how old Hannah would be on 2nd December.  This year Hannah would have been 15.

When my Mum died I was heartbroken, it was so sudden.  One minute she had a cold, then within 2 weeks she was gone.  I was only sixteen and I was pregnant with Hannah, I don't think there was another time when I needed her more than I did then.  I hadn't told her I was pregnant because I knew she would be so disappointed. Our family was shattered into pieces that July in 1997 and I never thought that I could be happy again but I was.....I was very, very, very happy over the next 14 and a half years.  The happiest I have ever been.  I missed my Mum every day but I was happy, I didn't realise actually how happy I was, how happy and how bloody lucky we all were.

When Hannah was born she pulled everyone together and gave us all a focus.  My Dad doted on his first gorgeous grand daughter along with my two older sisters and Grandma and Grandad from Hannah's Dad's side of the family.  Nobody doted on her more than her Dad and Me.  Hannah flourished, I felt I had so much to prove because I was so young so I carried on working part time and went to college in the evening, I studied every baby book that was around and followed Miriam Stoppard's baby book to a t. We bought our first house as soon as I was 18, we were over the moon.  We wanted a brother or sister for Hannah and Ben came along in September 2000, everything was complete!

The pain of losing my Mum was horrific and I will always miss her, I missed her when Hannah was born and when Ben was born, she would have loved her grand children.  I missed her at all the other big and small milestones that she missed BUT! it was NOTHING compared to how I feel now.  Losing Hannah brings a whole new meaning to the word "grief", nothing else could possibly be worse than this and to people who have never been through this, the pain is unimaginable.  My family is now incomplete, any future photo's, holidays, days out have a hole in them where Hannah should be.  All the unfulfilled hopes and dreams for the future, GONE in a flash!

I am fortunate where nobody has yet to compare our huge loss to one of a parent or a pet but I have heard of some parents that have heard this comparison.  If anyone did say this to me I think I might punch them......

Tip toeing on thin ice........

I have found it difficult to keep going this week.  I feel like I am walking on thin ice, sometimes I can tip toe along and I am okay but when the ice breaks I am sent plummeting down into a dark, ice cold depth that is so so difficult to swim out of.

When I am swimming around in these dark waters I try and think of the times where I have been tip toeing along, I think that if I can just keep swimming then eventually I will reach the top and get my breath back.  I can then climb out and continue my tip toe, tip toe along.

We have had lovely family staying with us this weekend which was nice.  Normally when they stay with us, they have Hannah's room and Hannah stays with Ben in his room.  This time Hannah's room was out of bounds so we juggled it around a bit.  The difficulty with this was that Hannah loved giving her room up for the weekend, she was really proud of her room and loved sharing it, especially with our family.  She also loved sharing with Ben (sometimes) and I used to tell them off because they never stopped talking.

We went bowling (which Hannah loved) ten of us in total, which was good although at times I felt I was watching everybody else including myself from somewhere else.  I mentioned this to my husband and he agreed with me.  After bowling we had lunch in a pub that was local to us.  Big Mistake, we have not been there without Hannah but everybody had already sat down in the conservatory where we always used to sit.  I arrived after everybody else and had to go back out and compose myself in the car.

We all ordered our food, (Hannah would have had Brewers Chicken).  I picked at mine, got the bill and went home.  

Bowling partners minus Hannah Banana and Aunty Ang behind the camera!

Missing his Big Sis...

Hannah's little brother Ben should have been joining Hannah this September at High School.  Hannah should have been going into Year 10 and had just confirmed her options.  She was taking History, French, RE and Media Studies and was predicted to be an A* pupil.  It is so sad that she won't be there with him.  Ben has been to his induction days where Hannah's friends have looked out for him (I am not sure how embarrassing this was for him, Hannah would have embarrassed him though anyway so it doesn't really matter!!) 

It was tough going to the High School to collect Ben and seeing all the children in the High School Uniforms.  A few parents of Hannah's friends that I didn't know very well came over to say how sorry they were.  I was touched by this because they didn't have to, then I realised that Hannah has been to their houses like their children had been to ours.  she was so polite and lovely, a genuine credit to us so I am not surprised parents came over, after all their children have lost a fantastic friend.  

Whilst Ben was at High school, to stop myself from thinking too much, I decided to dig around the house.  I've been through every cupboard and drawers trying to frantically find photo's, cards, pictures, anything related to Hannah that might help me remember something I haven't thought about yet, anything that will give me another happy memory to add to my book.

Under my bed I found all her work from Nursery and books from Primary School, I found cards with "I love you Mummy from Hannah", "I love you Phil", I found pictures that she had drawn of Phil, Me, Hannah and Ben.  Stick men pictures that make your heart just break.  I then came across Ben's school report from Year 2 when he joined Hannah in Junior school in Year 3.  The school report has a section where you can write what you are looking forward too and Ben has put "Seeing my big Sister Hannah".  Another heart breaking moment.

I also came across Hannah's last report from primary.  Hannah and Ben used to compare reports (very competitive!!) to see who was best and Ben always pipped her at the post, this year however I had a look at Ben's latest report and compared it to Hannah's year 6 report (that I found covered in dust under my bed).  Hannah's was better so she finally won!! She would have laughed because Ben got a C in singing and dancing whereas she got A's.

Hannah's Wood

I made a decision very early on that we would not have a memorial in a crematorium and we did not want anything in our local graveyard.  I just knew that I would struggle to visit Hannah in any of these places.  I don't associate any of these places with Hannah, my Mum has a memorial in the Crematorium and I don't visit because it doesn't make me feel better, or should I say I don't visit regularly, I visit every now and again because I feel guilty about not going but the fact of the matter is that my Mum lives on in me, in my mind and my heart and so will Han, the crematorium offers no comfort to me.   

I trawled the internet for ideas of what I could do for Hannah and found the Woodland Trust.  Our family spent a lot of time outdoors, walking, camping and generally having fun so this felt right.  We set up a page for Hannah to raise £3000 to dedicate an acre of a local wood to Hannah with a bench.  The money was raised within 48 hours and we proceeded to order the acre and the bench.

The first time Phil and I went to visit the wood it was raining and dull, I felt upset and I had a daft thought that Hannah would be lonely there.  Then I thought why would she be lonely because she won't be there.  If there is a chance of her being able to see what we are doing, she wouldn't be waiting in a wood.  She would be at home, at her friends houses, at her Grandma's and Grandad Johns.  She would be with Ben and with her Auntie's, Uncles and Cousins.

The second time we went to the wood it was a really nice day and we took the whole family along with us.  This brought the wood to life and I am happy with my choice now.  I like going to the wood, even though the bench won't be ready for another couple of months, I like going on my own with the Dogs and talking to myself.  I like shouting Hannah's name, I like hearing myself say Hannah like I used to when she was here, not just in a past tense of "do you remember when Hannah....."

The wood has come more alive over the last couple of weeks with loads of Rhododendrons, Fox Gloves, Water Lili's and loads of different shrubbery.  I have challenged myself to learn which trees are what and bushes etc.  I have seen a Woodpecker and my Brother in Law has seen a Barn Owl.

There are two ponds in the wood and one has a tree that has fallen across it.  Hannah would have loved to walk across that log.

There is a little country pub next to the wood that has gained a whole heap of new regulars, the beer is nice too, it also does a smashing Sunday Roast.

New Addition....

After reading some different blogs, I read something somewhere (I can't find it now) about a lady who lost her only child and could not have any other children.  Obviously she was heart broken (understatement, but I am tired of finding the words) and she bought a puppy to see if it would help, that way instead of mixing with all her friends with children the same age as her daughter, she would mix with dog people instead.  This got me thinking. We are all heartbroken, my husband, my son, my whole entire family, would a puppy give us a little focus. 

I said I wanted a Puppy as a distraction, this is unfair because he is more than that, he is our new family member and loved very, very much.  We picked him up on 1st June from a breeder in Rhyl and brought him to his new home at 8 weeks old. 

This is Humphrey Thomas-Jones, named after a big teddy bear that has lived on Hannah's bed since she was tiny, the teddy bear was given to Hannah for Christmas off Grandad John.  Ben was always jealous of Hannah's teddy to the extent that Grandad bought him one years later to stop him moaning and pinching Hannah's that lives on his bed .  Humphrey (the bear) is still on Hannah's bed and he has soaked up many tears over the last two months. 


You can see Rory, our little old man dog in the background.  He is 15 years old and I am sure that he misses Hannah.  He seems to look for her sometimes and has even scratched at her bedroom door.  Hannah loved Rory, she loved most animals and was the only one in a house full of boys that was not scared of spiders.

Humphrey is 13 weeks old now, he is brilliant.  When we brought him home it was the time I saw Ben smile properly.  When I say properly I mean with his eyes as well as his mouth.  Phil says that I haven't smiled properly yet, not like before, I can't imagine ever smiling like that again although I do strive to. He also makes us laugh, again, not like before but to hear Ben and Phil laughing is good.

What I love about having Humphrey around is that he doesn't let you just sit there.  You can be sat on the sofa crying your eyes out and look over and he is chewing a wire or pinching socks from the washing basket, this means you have to get off your ass and sort him out, sorting him out means chasing him into the garden because I think he thinks "NO" or "LEAVE" means run into the garden as quick as you can.

Back to work as a bereaved parent...

In my previous life I never had any time off work, I was never off sick and I took my career in Internet Marketing really seriously.  Hannah had been gone for only three weeks and I somehow found myself fretting about work which was completely ridiculous.

I am lucky with work because they are very very supportive, I work in a big office with over just under 100 employees however I am part of a small team of four of which I class as all three as good friends as well as colleagues.  These friends were at Hannah's funeral along with my boss and I appreciated that a lot because I wasn't expecting them to be there, after all they had never met Hannah although thinking back they knew her well because I was always talking about Han and Ben, all the time.

After three weeks I thought, I need to go back to work.  I was dreading it because it is so difficult to face people and to hear condolences and to say thank you etc etc.  Nobody knows what to say and I didn't know what to say.  I actually found myself making other people feel better about what they said.  I stayed for two hours cocooned by my team who really looked after me.  I cried all the way home and decided that it was too soon and I was mad to even think I could go back yet.  I am glad I went in though because when I finally got back a month later, I had done the difficult bit of facing everyone so most people carried on as if nothing had happened, I was fine with this.

Some bereaved parents are not happy when people carry on as normal at work and I can understand where they are coming from.  In my case I keep myself to myself at work, I never spoke to lots of people anyway.  My team look after me, they speak about trivial stuff and I join in, it helps me to keep busy.  They have asked me about Hannah but I still can't talk about her without crying, happy memories instantly fade into sadness because I realise she will never do any of these things again, talking about Hannah at work will have to wait, it will come.  I feel guilty not talking about her at work.

I returned to work after 7 weeks.  I didn't want to go back to work and I felt like I was betraying Hannah by doing so but I stuck with it, I mean how can I be doing normal, mundane things when things are not at all normal.  My life has been blown to bits.  I am phasing in and have been doing 9-12.30 for two weeks.  Next week I will do 9-3.  I am going to stay on these hours for the foreseeable future so I can collect Ben from school and keep an eye on him.

The first week was hell on earth, the second week has not been as bad.  I am not as productive as I was, my mind wonders a lot, I am exhausted, but I would be all these things at home without the distraction work offers.  I also have the support of work to be able to go if I need to or hide if I have too.  I am getting good at functioning, I don't have any passion for it, I just do it and go home, I drive past the sign that says "baps" that Hannah and I used to laugh at and I laugh and then cry.........

Still being a Mum............

Two months today, we lost our darling girl.  Some days I don't want to get out of bed but I do because I have other children to look after!

Since losing Hannah we have managed to go to the Cinema twice with Ben to see the Avengers and Men in Black 3, there was a gaping hole where Hannah should have sat but we did it, survived it and actually enjoyed it, even though we were sad at the same time.

We have been out for tea, just the three of us and again, there is an empty chair on a table for four that needs to be filled but it won't be and we survived it (with the help of wine). Thinking back, the first time we went for tea, we went with my two wonderful Sisters, my Brother in Law, my niece and my nephew, this was awful and too soon, we left hastily after the meal and I paid for four meals because I couldn't bear paying for three!  Now though, we do go out for tea, it is tinged with sadness and the family spark has disappeared but we do it in the hope that one day it will come back again.

The biggest step that we took was taking Ben and two friends to Go Ape.  We wanted to do this because Ben's friends parents have been so supportive, brilliant in fact and I wanted them to know that we appreciated it.  Both Phil and I had lost our confidence and I confided in Phil on the way to Bolton that I was worried in case I couldn't look after them properly.  This was a ridiculous thing to think because we are good parents, I know this because our children are great and I am very very proud of them!

It's only been 2 months, I still cry everyday, I still miss her so much that it physically hurts.  It still hurts just as much and I almost feel that the reality of the situation is being drip fed to me slowly to help me cope.  I can however function, I can even smile and laugh sometimes......

Support for bereaved parents......

When I got home from the hospital, my first thought was to look for other bereaved parents that could possibly help me make some sense from this?  Of course, nothing will ever make any sense because Hannah should still be here with us, however I needed to see that this was survivable.  I needed to see that other parents that had lost children were living because all I wanted to do was to die.  Some days I still do and everyday I still want to be with Hannah, to see her, to hug her to tell her I love her.

A part of me has died with Hannah and I will never be the person that I was before but Ben's part is still here and Phil's, Ryan's and Lee's part of me is still here too.  I have made my decision and that is to be here and make the best of what's left of my family whilst carrying Hannah everywhere in my heart and mind and making sure her memory lives on.

I searched high and low online and found some good blogs but I also found The Compassionate Friends.  I have found this website really helpful and the forum is good as it allows you to speak to other bereaved parents in a safe environment.  I think users of this forum are at different phases and bereaved parents that are further on down the line dip in an out to offer support.  From this website you can get information on support groups, weekend breaks and support days.  I haven't been on any of these yet but I am keen to try a weekend, I will keep you posted.

My Tribute to my beloved Hannah that I read at her funeral..

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write.  Simply because there is not enough time or words to convey what Hannah meant to me and how she was such a huge happy part of our family.  Every time words reach paper, they just don’t seem to fit or convey the message of just how much we love her, which is so so much for more than a trillion different reasons.

Hannah, I have always been proud of everything that you have done although every time I told you I was proud of you, you burst into tears.  This always happened until we all watched an episode of family guy together and since then, telling you I was proud produced laughter.  Proud o you!

I could never sit near the front the room for any of your school plays at Oaklands, Dean Row or Dean Oaks school because if we made eye contact, even for a single second, we would both start laughing, this happened every year from infants all the way through to Juniors, no matter where I sat your little face would hunt me down and we would share a chuckle.

You were always so thoughtful about everybody around you, when your friends called, you used to run to their houses or spend hours on the phone to them.  You would have done anything for your friends and family which is just one of the reasons, even though you are still so young, you have touched so many lives. 

You had a knack of knowing how to make people laugh, you loved granddad John’s silly jokes and came home laughing and telling me them, they still made me laugh even though I had heard them a million times before.  Your sense of humour was fantastic, you could take a joke and I often picked you up from places only to laugh all the way home.  I loved to hear you and Ben roaring with laughter from your bedroom or the back garden and you and Phil laughing, happily arguing in the living room together.

You had the most beautiful hazel coloured eyes that changed colour every day, you washed, dried and straightened your hair every single day.  I loved it when you would come in to give me a kiss or hug before you went to school or before you went to bed and I could smell your clean hair in my face.

I tried to dress you in girly clothes but you never seemed comfortable, even when you were really small.  I gave up in the end and you lived in jeans, tops and trainers or should I say, Super dry shirt, chino’s, Hollister hoody, red vans and one of your silly hats.

You were so strong willed, I don’t know if I told you I was proud that you would not go on any of the rollercoasters we tried to coax/bully/force you onto.  You were clever enough to queue with us to make us think you would go on, and then when we got to the front you would step through the ride and wave us off laughing. 

You had the devoted men in your life wrapped around your little finger.  Grandad John, Grandad James and Phil would drop everything for you to come and collect you and drop you off anywhere you wanted, you didn’t ask me as often because you knew I would tell you off for being disorganised or forgetful

Phil, Ben, You and I did something together every weekend whether it was take the dog for a walk, have a day out or just sit and watch TV.  It was pretty much guaranteed that if we went for a walk and you wore wellies you would get one stuck. 

You played the Piano beautifully, both Phil and I are so so proud of you for this.  You learnt a song to play for me and a song to play for Phil, one of which we walked into church to and one of which you did a duet with Phil too, you spent a lot of time teaching yourself new songs from You Tube in addition to the pieces that Grandma gave you to learn.  We would sing along in the conservatory to the songs that we knew and laugh because we were all rubbish and didn’t know all the words.

I could talk and talk and talk all day about all the wonderful things you achieved in your short 14 years.  I could talk and talk and talk about the hopes and dreams you had for the future of university, sharing a flat, skiing with Lucy and travelling.  

You would not have wanted any of us to be sad and if you were here you would be offering cups of tea and hugs.  You always saw the best in everyone and everything and we all owe it to you to get through this and be the best people than we can possibly be.

No words will ever portray the extent of how much I absolutely love you and how you meant everything to me, you are my only daughter and best friend and no matter what we do, where we go, you will be forever in mine and Phil’s heart. 

My daughters Funeral..

Hannah's funeral was 12 days after the accident.  I arranged it all because I wanted to be in control and I needed to do it for Hannah.  I had one request for a piece of music from Hannah's Dad but the rest was me.

The day was a blur, I managed to read my tribute although I practiced this for hours, steeling myself not to cry.  Each time I practiced I got a little further down the reading until eventually I could just about hold it together long enough to finish it.  Hannah's Auntie's, Dad and form tutor read readings and tributes to her and the church was packed out with lots of people standing at the back.

I avoided eye contact with anybody on the way in and the way out, I focused on Ben and Phil, mainly Ben as I wanted him beside me at all costs.

The music we chose was "Sweet Child O Mine" the Taken by trees version has Hannah learnt this for me on the Piano and it seemed so apt.  We also had Bruno Mars, Just the way you are, a song by Adelle for Hannah's Dad.  The hymms were all things bright and beautiful and shine on me.

Hannah's friends all attended and came to the Rugby Club after, I was really happy that they were there but would have given everything I own to have Hannah there with them too.

My strength failed at home, I fell asleep crying on Hannah's Bed, woke up sobbed some more then pulled myself together, mainly for Phil and Ben.

I have made a promise to myself , to Hannah, Phil, Ben, Ryan and Lee that we will live our lives like Hannah would want us to, happy and together.  It might take a while for a true "happy" but we will get there.

Outside the church we released balloons with messages for Hannah.

Looking back on the very first early days without my cherished daughter..

It is really difficult to recall the feelings from the first couple of weeks because I felt like I was in a bubble.  It was almost as though I was watching this horror happening to another family.  I completely functioned on auto pilot and my sister's and the police informed relatives and friends about what had happened.  I cannot physically  bring myself to go over exactly what happened on the day yet.  I am just not mentally strong enough to put this into words, I will be eventually but not just yet.

In these early days, I arranged a funeral, I wrote a tribute to Hannah to read out at the funeral, I set up a fund on the Woodlands Trust website to raise money to dedicate an acre of a local wood to Hannah with a Bench.  The money was raised immediately for this so I asked a family member to set up another fund on the Midlands Air Ambulance website. All this was completely on auto pilot, numb, I scared myself by how I was coping and worried that people would think I didn't care. I don't know how I did it although i am finding now that I still need to be busy and have a focus.

On day 11 I wrote the following in by notebook:

"I had to go shopping today for my funeral outfit.  I cannot believe I am going shopping for my 14 year old daughter's funeral.  The funeral is tomorrow, I've spent the whole week organizing it.  People are saying I am strong.  I don't feel strong.  Practical stuff helps because I have to do it.  all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry.  How can I ever contemplate life without you? As a family we are a 6 not a 5!  You and Ben are like peas in a pod."

Hannah & Ben in the Holly Bush in Beer Garden Hay on Wye 2009

Losing my precious Daughter nearly 2 Months on.......

 On Friday 6th July, it will be exactly 2 months since we lost our darling girl.  I don't know where that time has gone, only that it has been the worst time of mine and my families entire life. 

I have two notebooks.  One that I carry everywhere with me in case I remember a memory that has been hidden until something prompts it to reappear, I have found if I don't write it down immediately, it will disappear by the time I get home and I will spend hours trying to re-conjure it, feeling angry and upset that it just won't come back. 

I am going to start this blog by detailing some of my happy memories of life with Hannah, interspersed with my feelings as time goes on and how I felt and dealt with different aspects of my grief over the last two months.  I am also going to update my blog with how we all cope going forwards as we hit different milestones and muddle through what is supposed to be our new "normal" life.

Hannah with her two big brothers, little brother and Cousin in Spain 2010!  It was impossible to get a sensible picture as one of them kept turning away!