Since losing Hannah we have managed to go to the Cinema twice with Ben to see the Avengers and Men in Black 3, there was a gaping hole where Hannah should have sat but we did it, survived it and actually enjoyed it, even though we were sad at the same time.
We have been out for tea, just the three of us and again, there is an empty chair on a table for four that needs to be filled but it won't be and we survived it (with the help of wine). Thinking back, the first time we went for tea, we went with my two wonderful Sisters, my Brother in Law, my niece and my nephew, this was awful and too soon, we left hastily after the meal and I paid for four meals because I couldn't bear paying for three! Now though, we do go out for tea, it is tinged with sadness and the family spark has disappeared but we do it in the hope that one day it will come back again.
The biggest step that we took was taking Ben and two friends to Go Ape. We wanted to do this because Ben's friends parents have been so supportive, brilliant in fact and I wanted them to know that we appreciated it. Both Phil and I had lost our confidence and I confided in Phil on the way to Bolton that I was worried in case I couldn't look after them properly. This was a ridiculous thing to think because we are good parents, I know this because our children are great and I am very very proud of them!
It's only been 2 months, I still cry everyday, I still miss her so much that it physically hurts. It still hurts just as much and I almost feel that the reality of the situation is being drip fed to me slowly to help me cope. I can however function, I can even smile and laugh sometimes......
I am so terribly sorry Danielle. I am trying to think of something helpful to say, other than that it all sounds perfectly normal for a parents who has recently lost their child. In the early days, people kept telling me, it was early days - and it really used to p**s me off, because from my perspective, I had just lived through x weeks of HELL.
ReplyDeleteLosing a child is devastating. I think it is probably the most difficult experience you can have, and grappling with it is intensely painful and slow. It is survivable though, and you will get through this.
The awful pain does subside. At the moment, just keep focused on getting through the days - and don't put yourself under too much pressure. Most people have never experienced a traumatic loss - and HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. SO be gentle with yourself and if something feels too difficult (and you can possibly walk away from it) do that.
Thinking of you xx