So why then am I a little obsessed with white feathers? I see white feathers and I pick them up and bring them home and put them in a jar. I point white feathers out to my Husband who has kept one in his wallet. There are so many white feathers and I have never noticed them before. Even when my Mum died. White feathers everywhere.
I have also started to wonder about a Garlic smell that appears in Hannah's room every now and again. We used to laugh because after school when Hannah and Ben went to Grandma's house they would always have Boursin Cheese every single time. I would pick them up and they would stink out the car with Garlic, Hannah would breathe it on me on purpose! I would go into her room whilst she was doing her homework etc and her room would stink of Garlic. Why does her room stink of Garlic every now and again now?
I have had two dreams about Hannah since she died, the first she was with my Mum. She never met by Mum in real life, my Mum died whilst I was pregnant with Hannah but in my dream they were stood in my Dad's back garden, my Mum's arm was around Hannah's shoulders and Hannah's arm was tucked around her Nana's waist. They were smiling but didn't say anything, just smiled and looked happy. The second dream Hannah was three and she was wearing her favourite pink dungarees. I asked her why she was three and she said that she could be what she wanted to be.
Somebody said to me recently (another bereaved parent) that they thought I was wrong not believing in anything else after death, well not wrong but I can't think of more appropriate word, wrong sounds mean and the lady was not mean at all, quite the opposite. This lovely lady said that they believed she believed she would see her child again, she was adamant that she would and if she didn't, it didn't matter because she wouldn't know until she was dead anyway and she would then be in the same place anyway.
Maybe I don't really believe that we just die after all, maybe I am just saying that to myself to avoid being disappointed. What if some of these things are signs from Hannah and I am stubbornly ignoring them? She would laugh at this to be fair although by now she would probably be getting a little annoyed. Should I stop being such a skeptic and embrace these things and try and make myself believe? Will it bring me comfort believing in more??
I have the opposite reaction. I think it almost doesn't matter whether there is life after death. I miss Catherine now. I wanted her here with me now, in this life.
ReplyDeleteI find it hard to imagine her existing somewhere else - it is beyond our imagination.
But I like the idea of our children being together. Yep - I'm weird too :)
I know what you mean! I want Hannah with me in this life and if she could see how we are all suffering without her, she most certainly would not be happy in paradise no matter what the paradise was!
DeleteI also struggle to imagine another life, but I suppose I cling to a vague hope that one day I might see her again! And if i don't at least I'll be in the same place when the times comes and I won't be suffering any more!
I hope they are all together, Hannah would be reading Julia Robertson books to the little ones! Stick man and The Gruffalo like she used to read to her Cousin Olivia with voices and everything....
I don't believe there is life beyond death, I don't think. I don't imagine b somewhere beautiful because for me if I did the temptation to be with her may be too much. That said there have been occasions where things have happened that have made me question things. Like Susan though if there is something I wouldn't want her to be alone waiting for me I would want her playing with other children and having cuddles with my sisters.
ReplyDeleteI know Sally! I often think what I would do if she got in touch and there was something else! Like a mad woman I imagine what I would do and how i would feel. I imagine joining Hannah then watching Phil,Ben and my family suffer. That is what stops me and keeps me here. xxxxxx
DeleteI don't believe that Jude is somewhere waiting for me either, even though both me and my husband were brought up to believe it. I can't bear the thought that he's somewhere waiting for me.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of little white feathers though and I'm glad it gives you comfort. I'm also found to talk to Jude lots so maybe I do harbour a secret hope that we'll be together again. It's all a bit hard isn't it?
It is Fiona, both Phil and I were brought up in the same way! I sit in her room and natter but mainly I tell Humphrey all about her because he arrived after Hannah was here!
DeleteI still leave her voice mails and send her messages on Facebook because she was never off the thing and I think that if she would check anything, if she could, it would be her phone and Facebook!! xxx
I also am not sure that Max is waiting for me, but I also think that I will see him again, which is really weird. I think that when I die, I will see him and he will be 3 and we will be the same as the last time we saw each other. I don't think that he is living another life, but I also like to think that he can see me, and he knows how upset I am without him. xxx
ReplyDeleteI am very torn on this subject. I've never before believed in life after death.
ReplyDeleteHowever, losing a child forces you to reexamine all your beliefs. I simply can't stand the idea that someone so beautiful and vital is just gone.
So now I'm trying to convince myself that there is some form of transition. My daughter says she feels her brother's presence at times...and I take some comfort in listening to her descriptions.
Then later I think it's all wishful thinking. I don't know what to think, but if anyone can convince me that there is more than just life on this earth, then I would be happy. My daughter tells me that I just have to be open to feeling this. I am open and I'm waiting. I just haven't felt anything yet.
As far as our children being alone, if they continued on, then surely grandparents/great grandparents would take care of them.