Hannah's bench in Hannah's Wood.....

Hannah's bench was installed in Hannah's wood last week.  It should have been installed before the end of August but I didn't push The Woodland Trust because to be honest I'm not actually sure that I wanted it to be installed yet.  It is a lovely bench but it serves as a reminder in writing of everything that we have lost, it's like a confirmation and there is no getting away from it.

I have been in a dark place this weekend which has been difficult because we have had relatives staying.  The brave face has been on, the I'm doing okay face and just getting on with it face, but inside is different.  I am getting good at this acting palaver, my pointless GSCE in Drama was not pointless after all. 

I feel a bit like I am back at square one, sobbing in Hannah's room and so angry.  I have spent most of the weekend wanting to join Hannah but I know that I can't and the enduring is so difficult and exhausting.  I am so tired.  Phil and I have had such a solid relationship for so long and love each other so much but even this feels shaky at the moment, I can't even say why but I think it is probably down to me shutting everyone out.

I have been to Hannah's Wood to see the bench, I go there a lot on my own with the Dog's or with Phil and Ben.  Because the bench has been installed this week there will have been a lot of visitors to the wood so I have avoided going because I don't want to bump into anyone there. I don't know why, I don't like seeing other people in the wood but I want everybody to go just not when I am there!

It is also my Dad's 60th birthday today.  We have been for a meal together, all the family, my two sister's, Niece and Nephew.  There was an empty space at the table to match the empty hole in my heart.  We went for a meal near Hannah's wood at a lovely little pub, the plan being that we would go to the wood afterwards but I couldn't face it.  I've realised all of a sudden that I cannot bare to see my family's pain at the wood and that is why I didn't go. 

I know my Dad is heart broken, he cried in the pub when he opened his Birthday Card.  I know my sister is devastated because she cried at my house in the Kitchen last night.  My other sister cried with me on Friday night but I don't want to see them crying in the wood and I don't want them to see me crying in the wood.  I can't comfort them you see because I can't change anything and I am using all my energy to keep myself together, I don't want them to try and comfort me with hugs because I end up comforting them instead. 

I feel like everything is so shit at the moment.  The world keeps going yet my world has stopped.  I just want to get off......