I always thought that my worst months were going to be May and December. May, because it will be Hannah’s anniversary, and December because it is Hannah’s Birthday and Christmas. I’m not sure about this now though because every month is awful with painful things to face.
August was painful because we always had our family summer holidays in August. These were always special no matter what we did. After our holidays we always seemed to return refreshed and closer as a family, away from the madness and business of home, school and work we seemed to pull together and were hugely happy. This August was nice but painful.
September. It’s only the 9th and it has already been tough, tough, tough! The kids going back to school with the new school blazer and tie that came in this year. Taking Ben to buy the uniform without Hannah and dropping him off on his first day at High School without his doting big sister by his side. Seeing Hannah’s friends walking dog’s on the park. Hannah should be with them, with Rory, our dog by her side. Its hell on earth, it really is. For the rest of the month I have to face Ben’s twelfth Birthday. My Sister’s Birthday and my Dad’s 60thBirthday all without our chicken and that’s only the occasions, not even including the day to day stuff.
October has no birthdays, no anniversaries, just life. Just life going on as usual for the majority of people and it’s this that hurts more than all the birthdays, anniversaries and occasions. It’s the everyday setting one less place at the table and not hanging her coat up that she’s thrown on the sofa. It’s my GHD hair straighteners always being where I left them instead of under a pile of clothes in Hannah’s rubbish tip of a room. It’s the “Mum, Can I sleep at Lucy’s? Can you drop me off? Pick me up? Give me some money?” It’s the smells, sounds and laughter. The house is full of people yet it feels so, so empty. Then there is Halloween. Last year I went to work dressed as a werewolf and she helped me make my costume whilst wearing a red wig with horns. My gorgeous girl sat on my bed with me,ripping jeans up and colouring them in with a red felt tip! I can see it so vividly and it hurts so much.
I just miss her so badly, I want to be able to say that I am feeling better, when I say better I just mean that after 4 and a half months, life is regaining some meaning. Some days I do and I canenvisage a future. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and teeter on the edge of the big black pit of despair. Every day I can function and pretend that I am okay. I look after my family and they look after me. I take Ben to football and school. I go to work, walk the dogs. I go out with friends, get pissed and laugh but everything is tainted and meaningless. I have a hollow in my chest that I don’t think will ever shift and I’m not sure I want it to.
I hate to say it, but I think it is too early to expect to feel better. It is early days - if you think about surviving the loss of a child as a 10 year process, you have barely begun - but you have done the hardest bit.
ReplyDeleteJust believe you can. It is possible.
I found the special days at the beginning weren't worse. How could they be? I was already in perpetual torment. In the second year or the third they start to bite, purely because you have some peace in the days around them.
It gets easier - you will get through.. Much love to you xx
We've just had Jude's birthday and I agree with Susan, it was just another shit day without him. I think other people will cling on to the significance of these days because they're not living in this perpetual state of despair and emptiness but for us it's just a date.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're able to get out and see people and I do think you're doing so well at this early stage. It's so incredibly hard but you're not alone.x
When B died the first thing my mum and sister said to me, having suffered the same loss was that it does get better than this it just takes time
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ReplyDeleteDanielle I am the same. Its been 6 months. I am not expecting to feel better, but I was expecting for things to feel slightly easier by now so that I had some hope that it would get better eventually. Don't get me wrong I have made improvements, like you I am able to go about my day to day life 100 times better than I could at the beginning, but I am struggling to maintain my hope. Emotionally, I still feel that I am at square one, and its frightening. I agree with Fiona, I think special days and birthdays are just equally as crap as other days, but I haven't had a birthday to deal with yet. Like you said, everyday is a reminder that they are not here. I just try and copy others that have done this before me, and track my grief with theirs, susan, fiona, and the ladies from the blogs that I read. I try and listen when people say it gets easier, but its hard when your mindset doesnt think like that yet. Jo xxxxxx (sorry had to delete my first post made a mistake and couldnt go back!)
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