One of the suggested ways is to sit opposite an empty chair and ask for forgiveness, talk to it like you are talking to the person you have lost! My house is too busy to be able to do that so I took Humphrey for a walk somewhere quiet and had a chat with him instead!
The thing is though, I know Hannah loved me and I know that she would not want me to be feeling and suffering like this. But. I also know that she was looking forward to so many things! She loved living, laughing and being alive, she would not have wanted to die so how can she forgive me?? How can she forgive that just one different decision in one of many choices could mean she would still be with us?
Too much has been taken away from her to say "never mind Mum, chin up and crack on with it"?
I know she will forgive me for missing her semi final at football and for working full time even though I could have spent more time at home. She would forgive me for not giving her enough spends and for not letting her sleep at Lucy's house on the Thursday! She would even forgive me for buying Humphrey when I said "no more pets"! Forgive me for her losing absolutely everything? I'm not so sure about that?
It does not consume me like it did but if I wake in the night it takes a long time to drop back off!
I just miss her all the time, it's been really bad this weekend, almost back to square one bad, possibly because Summer is now over.
She can't forgive you, because you're not responsible.
ReplyDeleteI know we are meant to be. I know it is our job to keep them safe. But we can't. We can't protect them from everything. Catherine wouldn't have wanted to die either. She embraced life. She was good at it. I feel a shit parent because I was meant to keep her safe. I really tried. I would have done anything to do so. Entire continents could have fallen into the sea in the pursuit of this goal. I would have given up limbs. Life itself has no meaning without her.
But it is not within our gift. It never was. We could never guarantee them safe passage to adulthood.
I understand your guilt. We didn't do good enough. It wasn't our fault though, and there is nothing to forgive xx
Forgiveness is something I struggle with too, after my daughters inquest it made the paper and I made the mistake of reading the comments online. A lot of people blamed me, I blame myself. Forgiving myself is something I am still trying to work out
ReplyDeleteI did the same thing Sally. Most people were sympathetic and really felt for us. Others said that we were uneducated and did not consider the risks. The unfortunate thing is that accidents can be avoided which is why they are called accidents but like Susan says, we cannot physically protect our children from everything as much as we would like to. I don't think there is a bereaved parent out there that does not ask for forgiveness, whether the death of a beloved child was an accident or illness. I think the real key, something that has been said to me hundreds of times. "Be gentle on ourselves", there are lots of narrow minded people that think they know everything. They don't. They haven't lost a child!
DeleteI think I've reexamined every decision I've ever made in light of "what if". I've been told countless times by everyone that I could not have prevented my son's death. Nevertheless, it's impossible for me not to think of even the smallest changes I could have made that could have altered the events of the day.
DeleteAs far as being forgiven by my child, I know he knew he was always loved totally and unconditionally and I don't believe he would have blamed me. But, when people tell me that he would want me to be happy, my feeling instead is that he would want to be ALIVE and enjoying his life and he'd be so angry that this happened to him.
In regards to other people's comments - especially online - most people are so ignorant and insensitive and say the dumbest things. Comments in newspapers are dominated by lurking idiots. Ignore them.
Oh my love, its so hard when your mind thinks something, it doesn't matter what people say, you are still going to think it. It wasn't your fault, I am sure she knows it wasn't your fault, as you said it was just an accident. I am glad that it isn't consuming you as it once was. I always try and look at it from a different perspective - if I was Max. In this instance, I think about my relationship with my mum. If it had happened to me, I would not blame my mum, I know that my mum loved me unconditionally and would have done anything for me, thats what mums do. My mum was the only person who would put me before herself every time and I knew that, I felt really safe in the knowledge that she loved me. Hannah would have to. Comments that people make that you read are just that, people do think they know everything, and if they lost a child then they would know how awful it is, and not just sit there on their high horse thinking they know best.
ReplyDeleteSally I am so sorry you have lost your daughter.
xxxxx
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and know that it was not your fault. Don't carry around the guilt, that will only take away from the meory of your daughter. Live...live happy, and be grateful for the time you had and for the memories that know one can ever take form you.
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