I haven’t given my darling girl a kiss or a snuggle for
nearly 5 months. She hasn’t asked me for
anything for nearly 5 months. Her voice was so husky and throaty and I haven’t
heard it from her in person for 5 months.
That laugh that was so infectious, the breathy laugh or the high pitch
squeal of laughter depending on what she was laughing at I am not going to hear
it afresh ever again.
I will never pick my chicken up from the roundabout at
school covered in mud grinning in the rain after Hockey or Football. I will never tell her off again for ringing
me at work at 4 o’clock when it wasn’t an emergency to ask if she could eat the
last Kit Kat from the cupboard or if she could bake a cake. She will never organise my appointments to
see all her teachers at parents evening and leave an hour between two of her
teachers so we are there all flipping night.
I will never again see that smiling face wearing a silly hat
walking down our garden path, coming home from Chloe’s house. Or see that exhilarated excited face when she
skied her first Black Run in March this year,
I will never comfort her and tell her to swallow her pride when she
falls out with her friends and it was her fault for overreacting.
I will never hear her alarm go off at six o’clock in the
morning on a weekend because she forgot to turn it off in the week or see her
at the top of the stairs in her chequered Pyjama bottoms asking how Ben went on
at football the mornings that couldn’t be bothered getting up. I’ll never get annoyed when she is at Lucy’s
and I can’t get through to her mobile because the signal is rubbish.
I will never hear her play the piano so beautifully or Angie
singing along to post on YouTube. I’ll
never hear the foot pedal from the keyboard upstairs banging on the floor,
driving me mad. I’ll never tell her off for
talking to Angie on Facetime at midnight.
I’ll never put sun cream on her shoulders on holiday.
I miss her so much. My lovely Hannah who did not deserve this.
How has nearly 5 months passed and how on earth could I have survived
this, how can I adjust my life to fit around this?
Hannah Thomas-Jones, Saalbach, March 2012 |
I have no answers for you Danielle, except the obvious one, we have no choice but to carry on.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you're not alone.xx
Yes, it seems unimaginable that we go on without them, and no, they did not deserve it. It is unbelievably shit - I don't think that changes xx
ReplyDeleteYou know what propelled me through this first year? My family, my daughter, some horrible nagging voice in the back of my head that said if I go look who's going to miss me- I wouldn't want to put this grief on anyone. That said I understand what you are saying, I can see where you are coming from but as Fiona said you move forward because you have to, but your not alone
ReplyDeleteI found 5 months to be pretty much the darkest time since the first two weeks after Eva's death.
ReplyDeleteHugs dear.
Em
I'm just a couple of weeks behind you on this journey and I am almost constantly feeling near panic that my son is gone. It is so heartbreaking to realize how final this is, that we will never see them again. And worse, that they will never do any of the things that they had looked forward to.
ReplyDeleteI just keep reading everyone else's blogs and books to see how they keep living their lives without their children. I know that we'll survive, but it is such a struggle.
I'm so sorry...it is not an easy journey, as I am well aware. Be kind to yourself...take care of yourself and your family...one moment, one hour, one day at a time...
ReplyDeleteBecky
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