I'm dreading the inquest, I know what happened and I know how Hannah died, I don't know why it was only her except that she was sleeping the other way round and the concentration of gas could have been higher there.
The Police Liaison officer keeps asking us if we have discussed our statements with my two sisters and brother in law. We haven't...
At first I was in shock, then I wanted to deny anything had happened, I still do. Now however, I think I can't discuss it because I can't bare to witness their utter devastation of finding us all poisoned in our tent and of witnessing fellow campers and paramedics desperately, frantically try to save My, Our beloved Hannah.
My sister has said she is sorry that they didn't come in earlier to find us. How could she have possibly of known? She is devastated, as is my brother in law.
I am sorry that I bought the bastard BBQ the night before, sorry that I insisted in buying a tent with a sewn in frigging ground sheet!
My sister also had to phone my Dad to tell him that his super star Grand Daughter that he possibly loved more than any of us was gone!
Next was for the Police to visit Hannah's biological Dad and his parents. I struggle to visit Han's Grandma and Grandad because I can see the pain and sorrow all over their faces.
Is it guilt that makes others devastation too much for me to handle? Too much for me to deal with? Have others felt like this?
I think it's normal. I can't bear to see the pain that my mum's in over losing her grandson. I know that she doesn't hurt as deeply as I do but I can see that she's struggling. At the start I felt able to help her but now she drags me down into the pit. She's not strong enough to talk about him without crying. I think partly because the others can escape their grief but as mothers we can't but also they hurt for us too. They don't want us to feel this bad and they can't take away the pain. I hope the inquest passes quickly for you all, I know it must' be a worry.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us feel a sense of survivors guilt, or just guilt, the fact that we are here and our child isn't. Spending a lot of the time rehashing the what ifs, the perhaps, the if only until they drive us bonkers. The problem is that Hannah was important and loved by a lot of people, so they are hurting too, and you are hurting because they are missing her and you miss her. Certainly for me there is also this feeling that I have to make others feel better about missing B, and I don't have the energy to do it so I avoid family and friends and the questions. Im a pillar of support for no one right now. I am more like the leaning tower of grief.
ReplyDeleteI was he only one to speak at B's inquest, but its such a public and formal thing I would have personally wanted to know what anyone else was going to say if I had the opportunity. I know when my sister died it was helpful to go through the statements with various other people, so what was said at the inquest wasn't a huge shock. Be prepared for the press to be there and the possibility this may come to their attention again. I know the press guy at Bs inquest was very busy doodling a stick man on a piece of paper which is probably why the article that appear was so full of shit. X