On Monday it will be fifteen years since we said goodbye to our lovely Mum. I never had to count how many years it was because I was pregnant with Hannah when she died and I always knew that on the 23rd July it would be the same amount of years as how old Hannah would be on 2nd December. This year Hannah would have been 15.
When my Mum died I was heartbroken, it was so sudden. One minute she had a cold, then within 2 weeks she was gone. I was only sixteen and I was pregnant with Hannah, I don't think there was another time when I needed her more than I did then. I hadn't told her I was pregnant because I knew she would be so disappointed. Our family was shattered into pieces that July in 1997 and I never thought that I could be happy again but I was.....I was very, very, very happy over the next 14 and a half years. The happiest I have ever been. I missed my Mum every day but I was happy, I didn't realise actually how happy I was, how happy and how bloody lucky we all were.
When Hannah was born she pulled everyone together and gave us all a focus. My Dad doted on his first gorgeous grand daughter along with my two older sisters and Grandma and Grandad from Hannah's Dad's side of the family. Nobody doted on her more than her Dad and Me. Hannah flourished, I felt I had so much to prove because I was so young so I carried on working part time and went to college in the evening, I studied every baby book that was around and followed Miriam Stoppard's baby book to a t. We bought our first house as soon as I was 18, we were over the moon. We wanted a brother or sister for Hannah and Ben came along in September 2000, everything was complete!
The pain of losing my Mum was horrific and I will always miss her, I missed her when Hannah was born and when Ben was born, she would have loved her grand children. I missed her at all the other big and small milestones that she missed BUT! it was NOTHING compared to how I feel now. Losing Hannah brings a whole new meaning to the word "grief", nothing else could possibly be worse than this and to people who have never been through this, the pain is unimaginable. My family is now incomplete, any future photo's, holidays, days out have a hole in them where Hannah should be. All the unfulfilled hopes and dreams for the future, GONE in a flash!
I am fortunate where nobody has yet to compare our huge loss to one of a parent or a pet but I have heard of some parents that have heard this comparison. If anyone did say this to me I think I might punch them......
I'll be thinking of you on Monday. I've not lost anyone except Jude but I can't imagine any other loss feeling as bad as this. I had an older colleague at work tell me she knew how I felt because her mother died just before Jude. She was in her late eighties and the colleague actually remarked that I should feel lucky not have to deal with lawyers and estates etc. I put her comment down to the fact that she was grieving and she doesn't have children so she has no idea. Did want to slap her though. Hang in there, I'm with you very step.
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