Collecting Hannah's Ashes....

Every bereaved parent will tell you that they have suffered with some aspect of guilt.  I suffer with guilt for a whole host of reasons although it no longer is all consuming like it was a couple of weeks ago.

One aspect of my guilt was because I had not collected Hannah's ashes from the funeral directors.  I felt that I was letting her down by leaving them there but until this week I had not felt able to go and had no idea what I wanted to do with them.

Last Thursday I decided that nothing could possibly be worse that what we had already been through, I just needed to collect her and bring her home so I could stop worrying about it.  I contacted the funeral director and asked them when I could go over and they said anytime.  It suddenly dawned on me that they probably would be kept in a horrible container and I would need to choose a casket or urn (still not sure of the difference).  I could not bear to see what they had come back from the crem in.

I chose a hand made willow urn because it would have been something that Hannah would have chosen, this was ready on Friday which meant that we could collect Hannah on Friday........

I went to work in the morning, then straight from work my husband picked me up and we went over to collect her.  I thought I could hold myself together but as I sat in the reception area of the funeral director's, the enormity and finality of what we had done hit me like a sledge hammer.  Hannah was physically no longer here on this earth, we had cremated her and all that was left was a Willow basket of ashes.  I cried and sobbed and cried.

I carried her home on my lap and didn't realise how tight a grip I had until I got out of the car and my fingers were aching.  I had a vision of Phil braking really hard and of us being covered in Hannah's ashes.  I know that this moment is not in anyway funny but I had to stifle a nervous giggle because if that had happened Hannah would have rolled around on the floor laughing, we were so so alike with our inappropriate laughter.

Hannah's ashes are now in her room at home next to her iphone4 and her laptop.  I am still not sure what we want to do yet.  I thought I would not like Hannah's ashes in the house and it would be strange but it's not so I am going to wait until something feels right.  I am however going to buy a Memory Bear and put a small amount of her ashes in it so she can come on holidays with us.  Ben likes this idea and he wants to take her on all the Roller Coasters she refused to go on, starting with Oblivion in Alton Towers.  She would like this idea although she would want to get her own back eventually.

It has been a terrible weekend with even more tears than normal if that is possible but I feel better for having her home.

Ben, Hannah, Phil and Me on the wettest ride ever at Alton Towers

This website was recommended to me by another parent for Hannah's memory bear, there are also some other lovely memorials on here Memory Bears and Boxes