I have always been the sort of person to put others before myself. I have caused myself problems and inconvenienced myself in the past and have cancelled plans, taken holidays from work, invited people on family holidays outings to accommodate, family and friends if they needed some support, a babysittter, company etc and looking back I have asked for very little back.
Not anymore though and I know it is early days but I have finally learnt to say no! I am finding missing Hannah exhausting and I have no time for anything else except ensuring my family are okay and keeping myself healthy enough to make sure my family are okay. When I say family I mean my husband, son and step sons. This might sound selfish, I know that my sisters, Dad and in laws are all hurting badly but they have each other and as much as I love them I just haven't got the energy to worry about them.
Grief itself is ultimately exhausting, I have cried that much I think my eyes might fall out, however what else is exhausting is other people!! The chatter, small talk of which I have very little interest. I used to hate awkward silences but I can handle them now!
I have compiled a small list of awkward questions/ comments below that I have been asked since returning from holiday last Friday (a week ago), I have answered with what I would like to say but what I really said instead, I could do a whole years worth of Blogs on insensitive comments but I will keep it brief and only holiday related!
Q -Did you have a lovely time on your holiday?
A - Yes thanks. It was absolutely flipping brilliant, we had so much fun, I thought I might keel over with joy!
A - It was a nice break thanks followed by swift walk away so as not to discuss the Mickey Mouse, Rollercoasters, long flight blah blah blah that I knew would have followed had I said "yes, did you?"
Q- Did you find it hard going back to Spain?
A - Nope, not at all. Sitting round the table outside eating paella without Hannah was fine. Wearing Hannah's googles in the pool whilst diving for pennies with Ben was really easy! Playing crazy golf and getting to hole 8 that Hannah got a hole in one was great!
A- Yes, but I'm glad we did it, it was a nice break
Q- Did Ben find it hard on holiday without Hannah?
A- No, he loves being an only child on holiday and is now spoilt rotten!
A- Yes, he hides it well but he misses her like mad, especially when we went to the Grand Designs House and you could see he was lost. (person who asks questions looks uncomfortable followed by silence and awwww bless him)
On return in the pub
Q- I wasn't expecting you to be laughing???
A - What did you expect when I am in the pub with friends, that I sit there in the middle in a uncontrollable heap of sobbing on the floor with snot all over my face, I can if you want me to! (this was my answer!)
The thing is, is that I know they mean well. Before I lost Hannah I had never considered a bereaved parent. I would never had any idea what to say or do! I have been surprised at where my best support has come from! One friend that I have not seen for nearly 2 years has text me every week whether I have replied or not. I can't honestly say if I would have done the same. Another friend's girlfriend has become one of my best most supportive friends. We barely knew each other before and she has been a godsend! I cannot thank her enough for the help and support, some people really are amazing!
Great post - what we want to say - what we do... (sigh)... You are doing great to keep going like this... people won't get it... they really won't understand. In time you will realise it is not important whether they get it or not... don't know when .... I am still working on this myself xx
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel you have to prop others up. Focusing on your immediate family is what you should be doing.
I am glad your friend is texting you once a week - it is amazing how helpful that can be. I keep telling people - it doesn't have to be big - but regular helps... if she does it for a year, that would be immense. Maybe you should tell her that. Keep going my love. You are doing better than you imagine xx
I think the friends that stick with us at this time are truly brave. They have great courage to be there in the face of our pain.
ReplyDeleteIts weird with friends isn't it. One of my greatest supports has been someone that I only met 6 months before Max died as the boys were the same age, and she has been amazing. I have 3 others who have been great too, but lots who have stepped back which is really sad and hard. Also another lady who I have met a handful of times who always invites me out with her children. To them, I don't expect they think they are doing that much, but to me its something that I can't ever repay and I am very grateful.
ReplyDeleteI also answer differently to how I actually feel now too, partly because I feel like I becoming boring, I just say the same things over and over again, and partly because I get the sense quite a lot that people think I am 'ok' so are not expecting me to give an answer which upsets them!
Joanne xxx