It lead me to think Hannah and Ben would love this! (Ben is joining us next week). My point is that everything was "Hannah and Ben" like "Salt and Vineger" or "Batman and Robin"! How can I possibly just say "Ben will love this?" without Hannah automatically being part of the sentence? I mean she would have loved it so I can leave her in that scenario but there are others that I can't and it hurts!
I would say to Phil "did you get Han and Ben a drink?" Now it is just Ben and it is so so unfair! My little nephew would say "Where's Han and Ben?"
There are hundreds of families of 4 everywhere I look! Mum, Dad, Son and Daughter and none of them realise that even when Ben joins us next week we are incomplete! This hurts too!
Couples try and engage us with conversation but I can't be arsed with it just yet! I used to be sociable but I really just cannot be arsed one bit!
Despite all of this, I am having a nice time! It's boiling, the beach is nice, the pool is nice, the Wine, G&T's and Beer is nice but none of these things are as nice as they were when Hannah was here!
Our activity levels will move up a level on Thursday when Ben gets here with my Sister and her family! Water park, Banana Boats! We have to for Ben! These things will be tinged with sorrow as is everything we have done! My sun glasses will steam up from tears as they have everyday! But we will still have fun and enjoy it!
I know what you mean Danielle, it's almost as though you'd like a badge to show people that you are a family of four. I feel that way all the time. I think it's fine not to engage in conversations at the moment. I have little time for small talk or pleasantries anymore but I'm sure I'll manage it again in time. Right now anything except remembering Hannah and looking after Ben, yourself and Phil is just frivolous. You guys come first. I'm glad you're having some time to relax and have some fun, you need it.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about your child dying is - for other people, it is a simple fact. They are upset and shocked and then they adjust. For us, it is about learning to live with it in every aspect of our life. Our child died - they won't get married - our child died - we don't need to set a place for them at the table, or buy them new knickers, or think about what to buy them for their birthday or figure out what to get them off the menu or... You have to learn your child has died in a million different ways.
ReplyDeleteI am with Fiona on this - just be gentle with yourself. In the early days, sometimes I could see nothing positive except that I had made it through the day. All these days... all these firsts are hard... so just being, surviving is a big achievement. And if you can relax - if anything feels easier - even the sun on your back - you are doing fab. Much love to you xx
I know what you mean too. As you know we have been in Spain too, just got back today. Like 'Hannah and Ben' we had 'Aaron and Max' exactly as you say, like salt and vinegar you don't get one without the other. I spent most of the week watching other families, how many children they have, what are the age gaps and ages, boys or girls etc its exhausting. I was also always thinking about what I would be doing for Max, what food he would like, helping him in the swimming pool etc. I also wanted to scream that I ACTUALLY HAVE 3 CHILDREN. I can't be bothered with small talk either, it upsets me, people getting on with their normal lives. I think it is exactly as Susan said, other people adjust, and we struggle on every level. I am glad you are managing to enjoy it. Joanne xxxx
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