What's Hannah doing?

I came home from work yesterday at lunch time and pottered about cleaning etc like I always do to keep busy.  Ben was at his Grandma's and I was chatting with Phil about what to do for tea.  Ben always wants something different to what we have and lately I have been falling into the trap of letting him get his own way,  I don't know if this is because I want to take some of his pain away or am I just hugely grateful that he survived and want him to have everything he ever wants right now.

Whilst I was chatting to Phil I asked him what time Ben was due back, he said about 6ish and I said "What is Hannah doing?".  I instantaneously knew what I said and felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Sometimes life carries on and it seems like it was before.  The numbness takes over as if your body knows that you need a break from the awful, awful reality.

It's not the first time this has happened for all of us and it won't be the last.  We ordered a takeaway Pizza not long after we lost Hannah, I asked Ben what he would like and he said "Pepperoni"  I asked him if he wanted anything else and he said "we need to get a Margarita for Hannah".  Again, it was gut wrenching, the look on his face made me want to jump off the tallest building in the world.

We were looking at cars before all this happened and had a seven seater car planned with the idea of buying it when we got back from holiday.  We wanted a 7 seater to be able to take the kids out with friends etc without having to take two cars.  We also wanted to fit my Sister and Niece in when we went on our camping trips.  We were almost settled on a Ford Galaxy or a Renault Espace. Phil was looking through last week at the Galaxy's and Espace's and I gently said to him, "Do we still need a 7 seater?"  I don't know if we do anymore.

The boys are older now and doing driving lessons, they don't come on holiday with is unless it is abroad and paid for :)!  It's only Phil, Me, Ben and the dogs but I will let Phil decide on the car.

I have gone into Hannah's room on plenty of occasions to give her a kiss goodnight and she isn't there.......  I've waited in the morning for her to come in and give me a kiss before school but she won't ever again.....
I've left her lunch money on the TV but she hasn't taken it....
I've called her on her mobile, sent her texts and messages on Facebook but she doesn't answer.......

Hannah Banana in her fave Hollister Shirt!